Some things I have never discussed aloud

In the midst of drifting between wanting a relationship and being single, I have avoided admittimg certain things to myself. I kept it all to myself as I was growing up, and it set me apart from girls my age.

Apparently little girls dream of their big day, about some prince charming who will wisk them away. Not I…I fantasized about being a nun.

It’s important to say that I never harboured much spiritual beliefs in me. I was attracted to the lifestyle of nuns and monks, living often in close quarters, but devoted to something else, and spending much time alone. I romanticized the notion, of living in harmony with the world while being alone when you go to sleep. There is a sense of community nonetheless.

I don’t know why this sort of lifestyle is often tabooed to an extent in our society. Why can’t I lead the same sort of life outside a convent and not be considered some sort of a freak?

My closeted monastic desires come to life whenever I feel I am getting to wrapped up in human drama. Part of me that stands away from relationships is the part that believes being with one person will take away my solemn harmony with the world.

I had kept this part to my self for a very long time, thinking people will think I am some sort of whacko. I definitely haven’t been particularly chaste, or poor in spirit in my short life, but I seek purity on a level that most people find impractical for day to day life. I can’t be with anyone who can’t share the vision of sharing my heart and mind figuratively with the whole world, and who discriminates against other human beings and animals to fend for oneself and his chosen family. To an extent I hate the concept of a family, because it seems fake on many levels, quite very limiting. When I got my around the head the personal need for sexual activity, the idea of Free Love really appealed to me.

I know I’m pretty messed up.

I live with these fucked up dichotomies. On one hand I’d like a relationship, but I don’t like how it takes me away from the entire world. I would eventually like my own family, but I don’t like the thought of being Machiavellian to save myself and my family. I don’t like the idea of not caring about anything outside of myself, but I continue to keep telling myself and others to take responsibility for their own happiness, and that I can’t do anything about myself. I am distraught between giving myself totally to one person, and turning my back on the whole world.

Till this Girl who got bored was about 15 or 16, her idea of a life consisted of moving from one place to place, learning about different things, living with people of random cultures, and not quite having a permanent home. It would be my own kind of monastic living, because apparently you can’t have a relationship like that.

I fucking hate the thought of settling down, cause to me it resembles a lack of further growth.

Every time I have had missed opportunities with guys, I didn’t really beat myself up about it until others told me that’s what I was supposed to do. Part of me always knew to be totally in love, I can’t be anything other than alone.

There was a whole paradigmatic shift once I entered university, where everyone is planning for a future life, a future home with a future spouse of some sort. I found the notion foreign and unsettling.

I guess I was peer pressured into wanting a relationship.

This summer, while bonding with existing friends, I continue to live on in my head.

All this time, when I was talking about how it’s awesome being alone and doing things, I just was channeling this part of me in other ways.

I don’t know what I’m gonna end up being in the future, but nothing really scares me anymore you know?

I just couldn’t care less. I’m happy to be breathing this air with the rest of planet.

The all-pervasive stasis

Ever had that feeling when you feel so comfortable with where you are in life you kind of stop growing? Well, this is where I am now.

It sucks to know that I have sort of become dependent on an identity crutch of sorts and fail to see my life beyond that. I have fallen for the hipness of the student lifestyle even though I am not living it to the full extent I should be, just the idea thereof has me quite mesmerized.

When I started university, I thought I would just go with the flow of things and get involved and participate in wonderful artistic things around me. Most people around me had completely different interests, and more so were non-adventurous and stagnant, unless you count the weekly clubbing trips as novel and adventurous.

I am determined to get the most out of my life right now, the student life, yet somehow I feel it will hold me back from really facing the future one day.

But I know why I have been holding on to this world so dearly. It is, honestly, my only sanctuary. Academics have always been the thing I obsessed about just to hide from the emotional scars that my parents would inflict on me.

My parents themselves have had a shaky relationship. It would be much healthier for all of us, if they divorced, at least I would have known and felt that there was some sense of justice in the world. But they, especially my mom, holds on to dear self-destructing idealism, which has ruined her talents and creativity, and then she blames me for her sorrows, because I left her for university and I don’t want to ever become like her as a person. Don’t get me wrong, she is a smart, intelligent professional woman, with the gifts of human kindness and everything pretty much that makes for a generally pleasant person. I feel like I am writing about a Shakespearean character as I describe her here, but she does have a fatal flaw, and that is she is too much faith and not enough knowledge about human nature. Most of the times, when she does have fights with my father, I do side with her, but it’s only so long that I can put up with dire irrationality. Sure my father may have been a terrible person with extreme apathy for other people’s feelings, but at least he tries to be rational. Abusively rational. I just cannot sympathize with women like my mother, who have seen the freedom of the so-called post-feminist world, yet choose to live in the cave of their misled idealism and self-denial. It makes her no saint in doing so, despite what she would like to believe. She apparently has no problem passing down emotional baggage to me willingly, and then scarring me further by saying I am making her unhappy.

You know what? It’s time she started taking responsibility for her own happiness. I can’t reason with a maniac.

I have told her this many a times, but she is also one of those people who are too comfortable where they are in life. I refuse to be that way.

It’s been only one day since I finished exams. I was happy yesterday, being tipsy with all my classmates not all of whom I am totally familiar with in a big sketchy house downtown. It felt real and natural, and I felt a sense of unity with everyone there, something I have seldom felt about my family. I have had only a half an hour conversation with my two respective parents, and I already feel emotionally drained and I would really rather be writing more exams.

Despite what may come through in this blog, I am utterly optimistic and rational at the same time about where I want to be in life and who I want to be with. It bothers me when smart people such as my mom bring themselves down.

I can see myself, in another 10 years or so, becoming one of those career-obsessed women, but to me that is sort of a pretty awesome place to be at, knowing that I wouldn’t have to stop being progressive in my personality and thoughts. I have had enough stasis in my life as a mere 19 year old.

I sort of sometimes feel that I am at one of the worse situations in life one can be at. I am broke, with few close friendships, a craptacular family dynamic, no boyfriend. The list go on much further. However, in the last year, I have learned to be grateful for what I have and love myself nonetheless. At harsh times like this I am glad this is the way I am. It can only really get better.

In the last week, things have looked up for me.

I got one of those sexy research jobs at my university, which I totally wasn’t expecting to, but some prof saw how giddy I get around experimental apparatus and hired me.

This weekend, I am moving into a house full of random people I have never met, which I am quite excited about.

In conclusion to this academic year, I have learned a few important things or have had reaffirmations about certain things in general.

1. You are responsible for your own happiness.

2. Be nice to everyone around you, but know that nobody is as awesome to have a billion best friends. Stick with those who know and appreciate you best, but don’t get tied down to that circle of friends.

3. Do random crap that put you out of your comfort zone, but be safe.

4. Start conversations with people. It makes you seem almost human.

5. Dress well! It goes a longer way than one would expect.

6. Don’t lie to yourself, it only complicates things further.

7. Live organically and naturalistically rather than a machine programmed to complete tasks.

8. Make use of free will. Nobody can ever make you do anything.

9. Take opportunities to express yourself with art.

10. No matter how crappy things get, life goes on, for better or worse, but usually better.

I promised myself last November that I would reemerge as a better stronger person in the spring, and I think I have gone beyond the standards I set for myself. Heck, I am even ready for a relationship? Or casual dating, though that’s really not my thing. I mean, I feel much more social and less critical of every idiot boy out there. It’s just something that the change of seasons do to me, and I guess I might as well take advantage of it. Although I wouldn’t beat myself up about if I don’t get even a date this summer. There is much to rejoice about still due to the silent revolution that is ongoing inside of me.

Woman leading a “man’s life”

There is sort of this theory I have been forming over the last couple of weeks. It’s been mostly influenced by the archetypal image of the working class man as conjured through books, movies and music. With the recession now and paranoia everywhere, I have kind of wanted to look at how it would be like to be a working class person earlier on in the 20th century.

In the western world, and I’d imagine in most places, girls from well-off families, actually most families, usually ended up being housewives. It’s only the poor women, and some upper-class women who were ambitious and passionate about what they do actually got out and joined the workforce. The poor women probably didn’t have much choice as to what occupation they wanted to go into. They probably just took what most conveniently was around. Surely, some of them went into prostitutution.

But with the opportunity of living and working like a man of the same status would, comes the challenge of male standards and expectations. I don’t believe that we should distinguish societal expectations by gender, but right now I think we are in a turning point in history where we are in between a previous society where everything was in terms of gender roles, and a future society where there are no such thing as gender roles. At this point, working women face a billion obstacles having it all, a personal life and a successful working life. Like times before us, we can’t just sit around and expect a man to find us, but we have to be the man ourselves, and be proactive and go look for someone. These are not the times where there is anything like Prince Charming or even Damsels-in-distress. We are all kind of just a group of men, trying to survive and get the best of what’s out there. Everyone’s apparently in a rat race.

Changes!

Nah, forget it. I haven’t found someone.

But I am moving out of crappy university residence in May to live with a bunch of strangers in a Victorian house nearby. This wasn’t a big deal for me. I am always up for cheap rent and strange people (which will most likely include males). And yet I wonder why such a stranger-friendly person like me is still single. Ah well.

I am busy as fuck with school. But I am paving my road for greater independence. It’s an exciting and busy time. I had promised myself I would emerge as a new person in the spring, and here I am.

Now all I need to do is find a job, or I’ll fucking starve.

Valentine’s Day

Needless to say, I didn’t have a special someone.

But neither did a good number of other people.

I went to a pub with a bunch of dateless girls and shamelessly painted the town red afterwards.

It was awesome.

Seriously, I am getting used to this eternal singlehood. I can concentrate on my schoolwork and do whatever the fuck I like without thinking about another person.

I will keep thinking this way until something good enough comes around.

It’s been a while

It’s been a while since I have whined about how bored and angry I am about the general nature of things.

I am beginning to think I am somehow outgrowing that feeling. I have learned how to exist contently without so much of the things that everyone else takes for granted, such as relationships, good parents, and a stable source of income.

I don’t how to define this state. Is it just being desensitized? Not even the least bit. I am more attuned to the world around me, more active and energized, and basically more motivated to do what I should be doing. I am at peace, but I am not passive.

I think it’s time this blog started reflecting some of the more interesting, positive things in my life. Most of these things are extremely simple. Just write now I am watching snow melt off of the walls of the building beside me. Some larger chunks fell off and now I can see water dripping from whatever is left.

I have gone back to the way I was in high school. I listen to a lot of classic rock and do homework and then when I am not doing homework I listen to non-classic rock music. Good times really. The feeling that I want to be a 60s child again has come back.

The death of imagination

We all have this little voice in our heads that usually give rise to what a lot of writers call “stream of consciousness”. It’s like a commentary on being alive, feeling, sensing and thinking about what goes on around us.

Sometimes, I feel as if that little voice died.

People often associate this with things like creative stasis, writer’s block, which are trivial once you realize you live life like a fucking robot.

There are impulses, needs that a machine needs to satisfy. I have the same ones, except why does it feel like I go nowhere? That there is no natural growth? No self-actualization?

I am definitely not obsessed with self-improvement and such, but people change and develop naturally, and I see no natural change occuring to me. It is how everyone moves on and I am still stuck in some cave somewhere.

I am afraid of my marks coming out this Monday (hopefully).

Sigh.

and it’s a slow and dreary process…

Emancipation.

It takes a while.

I just started the journey and already there are delightful obstacles on the way. Oh well. I’ll get through them.

PLEASE, THE SPIRIT OF THE UNIVERSE HELP ME PASS MY EXAMS WITHOUT BEING ON PROBATION. THAT’S ALL I ASK.

/end rant

The new wordpress confuses me. What’s up with being tagged by people (what does it mean?). I’m so confused.

Emancipation

There are those of us who pass our days by as we yearn for someone to make our lives that much special, sulking over each passed opportunity whether in our career, education or personal lives, even to the point where we wish to become someone else. From time to time, I have fallen into this mode of thinking, and much of it is reflected on my previous entries, but now I am emancipated.

I am emancipated from the anxiety over the fact that I do not conform to the ideal of having had a relationship by the age of 19.

I am emancipated from the thought that I have to act and be a certain way to be liked by boys.

I am emancipated from petty crushes that may or may not develop into something special.

I have come to the point where I will not overanalyze all the things that contribute to my state of being but accept it happily. I am unique, and there needs to be no justification for that.

I will not think of my state as boredom because people my age apparently have so much excitement in their lives while I spend my time pursuing academics and my own interests. I don’t need to be defined by what other people do.

I will live to bask in the glory of my unique existence, open to the possibility of someone special turning up any moment, but I will not yearn for it. I am enough of a wonder to myself to keep myself entertained and amused.

I will not fool myself into the thought of being enamoured with someone, when it is for the wrong reasons and hope that something flourishes just because I could use a relationship. If I am not non-superficially interested in someone, I will not beat myself up over what could be and what should be. I am not looking to just date. I want to love and be love. And I have so much of it, it can’t be shared with just anyone. I have come to understand that I don’t really even start to like people in that way without knowing them enough.

I’ll let the natural flow of life take over while I am once again finding myself amongst the wonder of things, satiating my curiosity. After all, knowledge will always be my first love.

There is much more in me and the world around me to cry over not ever having been in relationships. I am a fucking awesome person in myself, even an alpha female of sorts, I don’t need to take crap from society’s conventions. All I can do is revolutionize them. And fuck yeah, it’s all in my hands!

I know, through all statistical probability, I will find someone in life. And guess what? He will be just as special as I am, with an enriched internal world. In the meanwhile, I can only take care of my mind and soul.

I am no believer of prophecies, or any kind of spiritual stuff and not even religious but I know I have reason to be hopeful. Everyone does.

Today a great friend of mine told me she has noticed my positively changing nature in the past few years. Without me saying anything, she told me that I am apparently going to get a boyfriend soon.

But all this emancipation business occurred before that. So I will just accept whatever she says.

Now wish me luck for my term exams!! I sure will need it.

Also, to my fellow bloggers, I am personally often affected by the things you write. I feel, perhaps foolishly, that I could spread some good karma to your lives and I want to see and be inspired by changes that happen in our lives. Nothing is constant. Change is inevitable, and for some of us, most of us actually, things are surely headed for the better. I am not a cheerleader for optimism, but statistically speaking, things are in our favour. Trust me

ugh…I’m retarded

I don’t know how to say no.

The guy that I mentioned before who I have been talking to from that dating site really wanted to meet me this weekend. At first I said yes, then a bunch of things came up so I had to say no.

The thing is, I don’t want to meet him just yet. I haven’t yet given up on the real world for a boyfriend, so why should I bother about seeking out people online and when I find them, why should I settle for less?

I am just not that into him.

Goddamn it, why didn’t I just stop talking to him?

Now I feel like an evil person who has led him on. And apparently what goes around comes around. Shit.