I’m apathetic and unapologetic

So you know the younger guy I mentioned last post?

I am not sure what to call him. Let us say his name is Leonard because that’s not his name. Also he is like a year younger than me.

How do I describe him? Probably like a billionth generation Canadian (not First Nations or Inuit though) from a very white Ontario town and obscenely rich. Some girls would think I just won the dating lottery or something.

He is kinda more into me than I am into him. I think he mistook me for one of those hardcore expressive females that are all over guys. It’s not like I am not expressive, but most of the time I am just contently apathetic.

Despite the fact I have known him for like week, he has no problem at all suggesting we go all the way after what I could call our first actually physically intimate half an hour (i.e. cuddling/kissing). I mean, I barely felt anything emotionally but he is getting quite intense quite soon. I am very indifferent to that. I’m not sure how to deal with his emotions, when he thinks I am just as emotionally attached to him as he is to me. I don’t feel apologetic for what could be interpreted as the hollowness inside of me.

I’m not gonna go on a whining rant about how I can never meet a guy who can really resonate with me emotionally because it’s not a necessity in my life. I am perfectly content doing quantum calculations for biological systems. I’ve never been so sure, so level-headed about this whole singlehood thing in a very long time. Fuck! I am complete on my own and that’s that!

What am I to do with this whole business? I’m probably gonna let Leonard chase me if he wants to, if not that’s cool too. I just enjoy the cuddling and the kissing. He might think there is something real there, but for me this is totally no-strings-attached.

In other news, I am turning 20 next week!

Sexual Suicide…

I was listening to this song that has been on my iPod for a while now. It’s “The Lottery” by Emily Haines and the Soft Skeleton. It goes like this:

[embed]http://spin.com/audio/download/24115/eh_thelottery_hi.mp3[/embed]

I only wanted what everyone wanted
since bras started burning up ribs in the 60’s.
Favors are flying, faces are falling,
all I desire is to never be waiting.
If that’s a crime let’s commit it.
There’s a new crime, sexual suicide.
When our underwire radio tears into their international airwaves
Boredom will Die! Ears will Bleed!
All they desire is to give and to please.
There’s a new crime, sexual suicide.
There’s a new crime, let’s commit it
while we’re waiting on the next day, to begin it in the best way.
There’s a new crime, sexual suicide.
There’s a new crime, let’s commit it.
Don’t worry, Heather, about forever.
Don’t worry about me.

It’s a lottery baby, everybody roll the dice
It’s a lottery baby, everybody roll the dice

Will we always be like little kids
running group to group asking who loves me?
Don’t know who loves me!
It’s pathetic. It’s impossible.
Like girls in stilettos,
like girls in stilettos,
like girls in stilettos trying to run.

This really resonated with me. I know that part of me wants the proverbial romance of my life, but another part of me is adamant of another person never being able to have me.

Sounds kind of sexually suicidal to me.

I mean, if you consciously think that “No one can have me”, aren’t you propagating an attitude that keeps you from getting laid?

And even if you do get laid, wouldn’t you go around still feeling unfulfilled, because you are worth nothing more than a hookup?

I know the logical structure of all that makes no sense. One thing does not automatically imply the other. But given the assumption “No one can have me” as sort of an emotional and individualistic assertion, you seem to limit yourself to either never getting laid and thus keeping yourself emotionally locked away or sleeping around a lot AND keeping yourself emotionally locked away except it bugs you because you want to be loved. I’m really leaning towards the latter.

So I met someone. Very very recently. It’s moving a bit too fast. I am kind of hiding away from him as we speak. I am gonna see how this whole thing turns out before I talk about it. Basic details: He is a younger guy. Very outgoing. I initiated it because…I don’t really know why. I feel like we get along awesomely, but both of us seem…emotionally unavailable to each other (granted it’s soooooooo early…I can’t even tell you how early this is. Quite embarrassing).  He is more sexually experienced than me (i.e. not a virgin). What makes us get along so interestingly is the same sense of humour and a hint of unresolved sexual tension. The end. I really don’t want to think about it right now. It makes me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable and a lot of other things that I am not so sure about. But it’s early. I’m gonna suck it up and endure through what I can. Then maybe I’ll spare more details.

I will leave you today with something that really resonates with me emotionally…something that showed me I am driven by more than my hormones.

It’s really just a game

I am really late in realizing that but it is.

One thing that has been brought to my attention is that I don’t “flaunt my sexuality”. That is to say I don’t partake in the game. I don’t show off my physical beauty in a way that is obvious to the outside world. Sure I may have a nice pair of boobs and ass, but nobody knows about them if they are hiding under baggy sweaters 3 times my size. I used to think that it shows a very narrow definition of sexuality, and I still do, but as a scientist, I thought it might be worth investigating.

Since the commencement of the school year, I have actually paid attention to what the crap I am wearing. I haven’t exactly ditched my own style, I can never quite do that, but I have invested in starting to wear things that are my own size. (I am a size 4-6, but I love wearing size 8-10 just because they are baggy and comfortable). It’s amazing what a difference that can make.

People are visual creatures, and I am no exception. It’s amazing how much effect being comfortable with one’s curves can be. Few weeks ago, when I first started wearing my own sized clothing, I was surprised by how much lighter, how much more feminine and happy I felt. It’s not like I never used to wear things my own size before, such occasions were usually just reserved for special occasions/some social events. On a regular basis, when I am around friends or at school or just going to movies or something, I would do all I could to hide my feminine shape.

Back to my late understanding of how this is a game. In order for there to be results, there needs to be an experiment first. In order for there to be a reaction, an initial action must set it off. All this time, I could have been an instigator of chaos and orgies of massive scales, yet I stood around passive, friendzoning everyone indiscriminately, even if I had an inkling of attraction towards them. I never spoke out. Even though I didn’t seem like it, I was a veritable ice queen.

First week of school I went clubbing. It’s really not my scene, but a couple of my friends made me go. I was forced to dress “sexy” in mainstream terms. That apparently results in a variety of men approaching me and grinding with me. To be honest, it was a little weird. They have no idea about the inner geek goddess who obsesses over webcomics and quantum thermodynamics, and how much she hates most mainstream culture. It was ironic. I left my usual hipster label behind to join this grand gathering of something that is emblematic of the mainstream of our time. I am not saying all clubbing is mainstream, but this one is particularly known for drawing in a certain sorority/fraternity/people with normal lives crowd. It’s not really my cup of tea, it was odd and somewhat depressing that I would have to whore it all out to get a guy to want to get intimate with me. But that’s not apparently the only way you play the game.

Few days earlier, I was hit on by some random guy at my uni caf. I was sitting by myself reading a book during my free period while everyone else was in class. He decided he wanted to eat with me and kept talking to me about life in my very selective program and the like. I don’t deal too well with random people talking to me and trying to hold my hand, but it was funny on a theoretical level. He was technically a good catch; a recent graduate with a job and all. But I totally wasn’t expecting that and froze up and put up a wall. Ah well.

So these are my findings so far. It has caused me to drop a lot of inhibitions I have had from before. For example, I wouldn’t be half an interested in anyone if they didn’t seem like good  relationship material, but now I am apparently willing to give most decent people a chance, because I am clearly not looking for a relationship right now, I just want an adventure.

New Blog?

I am thinking about starting a new blog soon, with a different pseudonym, which will be a bit more personal and intended for family and friends who are far away, around the country, and as a space for a lot of essays I write on contemporary and modern culture, science and some creative nonfiction. Some of you can email me and may be I can share it with you (given that I know of who you are in the blogosphere/in my blogroll). It’s not going to be a documentation of my everyday life per se, but an overall blog that represents “me” more than girlwhogotbored. Sure, girlwhogotbored has her place, but she is a relatively stagnant and I dare say, fading character. I just can’t relate to her anymore. She could evolve to become a more cohesive blogger, or I can shed this skin completely and start anew.

I am, however, not abandoning this blog. I have invested a good amount of time in the last year on this, however, I feel I could really use a change in topic or a wider variety of topic.

Funny thing is, this blog is as personal thing I have done, but I feel like if I start a new blog, it will represent more my intellectual side with a very vague background of what’s actually going on in my life. I will try to connect everything to a bigger picture, which is something I don’t do as much here in my opinion. I sort of need this to focus on my public persona, and better articulate myself in writing, in a space totally controlled by myself, outside of school.

I won’t be putting any links to that blog for all the world to see here, if I actually decide to follow through with this plan here, because girlwhogotbored needs to remain a separate entity for those I know in real life, but some of you are welcome to take a peek at my public persona, through some writing that is more intellectually focused, and pictures from my daily life and walks around downtown Toronto and elsewhere.

So what do you think? Should I do this? Or just totally revolutionize this girlwhogotbored’s character and just not invite family and friends onto here?

New school year and stuff

I like how my titles get increasingly generic.

In the past little while I have noticed how this blog is more than the sum of my experiences as a single girl, or rather how it has the potential of becoming more. I think I will focus my line of inquiry more towards that stuff from time to time. Surely, singlehood is going to be an apparent part of my life.

So what have I been up to lately?

3 week long family visit.

Holy fucking crap.

I have changed so much.

I am no one’s little girl anymore.

Apparently, that’s a problem.

I have however moved beyond bitching and complaining. Now onto more important things in life…like my hell school schedule

I don’t know if this has to do with the fact that I am getting hit on by very strange people and I don’t like it, or on some level it has validated me as a woman.

Validated me as a woman? What?

I am so derailed from what I thought was my purpose in life even though everything seems to be going fine. I have just stopped reacting, and it’s liberating. Once again, I’ll be sitting around waiting for the novelty to be thrown my way. We’ll see how that goes…

Blurred time

While I was walking back from work today, I had a strange feeling.

Most women take these sorts of feelings for granted, it’s nearly everyday life for them.

I’m not nearly as much of a daydreamer as I used to be, I get thrilled and in a solemn unity with the universe when I daydream.

I’m not sure what triggered it, but I imagined myself with a guy in the near future, my prince charming. I’m almost embarrassed to admit I did. I was thinking about how to get some dinner cooked and data analyzed efficiently when I would get home, but I was powerless to the images that appeared in my mind.

It’s an odd optimistic feeling, the ones I am especially skeptical about, but I let go and totally enjoyed it.

He was there, everything I admire in guys, put together like a puzzle, yet still leaving much unknown. He touched me with curiosity and affection, and I could see us as a couple, without me even changing parts of myself, without having to become girlier or prettier and I didn’t even have to moderate my standards. It seemed so real and gave me a twang of hope and something to smile about. I was in the presence, but my future self looked back at me. Nothing had changed, it might as well even have been today. I got a sense of how we as individuals exist in all planes of time.

I know there is a billion psychological reasons for this, but I will hold on to my waking dreams. I know it’s some skewed message my brain wants me to see, but that doesn’t keep me from cherishing it as a personal myth.

A lot of people say that you are ready for something once you are able to visualize it. I think I might have figured it out. I’m not afraid of the standards out there any more. Not even a little bit. I’m ready to meet him, despite my perceived flaws, because in that world, I am as normal as could be. He too, despite his obvious quirks, melancholic disposition, still can exist freely in the myth.

One day I will awaken and chuckle at this, but at least I am preserving some rare, fleeting instances of feminine feeling. I have never felt so much like a woman.

Weird juxtapositions

Today, I was reminded of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho because of the ironically labelled Ideal man.

Everything, including his profession, his tastes, his education and lifestyle reminds me of him.

What the fuck was I thinking? I almost want to tell him that now.

Virgin fetish? Honestly?

I’m almost about to lose my virginity here. Let’s pray that I don’t.

Guy I met online, but haven’t met in real life wants to pop my cherry and teach me details about carnal knowledge almost in a style a la Virgin School. No he is not an old fart, he is actually sort of my ideal man, kind of really into casual sex. I hate my luck.

He is damn well-educated smarty pants, clean-cut yet quirky type of guy, let’s call him Ideal man just to be ironic. He has his romantic ideas, but he is focusing on getting into my pants, stat. He likes that I am a poor tomboyish virgin.

I mean, I am flattered that I am desired, I just wish it manifested itself in a different form.

Sex is really important to this guy, he let me know that, but he had this intrigue and the ability to hold a real conversation that kept me interested. I feel stupid saying this now, but I thought he would have a change of heart and take the relationships route.

Sometimes, I just sit and wonder. Why do I attract these types? I am a very demure person and don’t shove my sexuality down other people’s face. I am modest and friendly. When did that become a fetish?

I just want someone who understands the lack of sexual experience in me but doesn’t seek to change it so that I become a megaslut. I don’t understand why people are so into sex sometimes if they don’t seek a real relationship with the person. I mean I always have my right hand.

I don’t know why I keep doing this…

I signed up for online dating, again.

Last time, I sort of pulled a disappearing act, because I was stressed and afraid for a variety of reasons.

I didn’t have my picture up, because I am still weirdly afraid afraid of having other people I know on the site. I do have a large close-knit set of people I know. It would be particularly awkward if things got out…

Within the day of signing up, 3 guys found me, they were the types I wouldn’t mind dating if I met them in the real world. That’s where I would like to leave it at now. I am far too busy and engaged in the real world to even take this shit seriously anymore. I guess it feels good feel “desired” in some way. Hah.

I have noticed, if I get my day’s worth of social noticeability, I don’t feel lonely or frustrated anymore.

This entire summer, because I was busy as fuck with work and social life, I never really thought about my lack of a love life much.

Sometimes I think my entire way of looking at the world is pretty messed up. It stems from childhood things I don’t even remember. Speaking of childhood, I should mention that a guy that I am still friends with and I used explore each other’s bodies when we were 5 or 6. I wonder if he remembers. We get along awesomely without awkwardness.

In other news, I have been featured as a first person on the blog for the upcoming documentary film American Virgin by Trixie Films. It can be found here. Please do note that Reva is not my real name.

That is all for today.

Also, question, have any of you guys, I realize there is only like 5 of you reading this blog, noticed a change in the way in my tone and perspective?

UPDATE: Shit, fuck, damn. Soon after I finished writing this post, I got a message from one of the guys I have been talking to. Let’s call him….the matrix (no particular reason why). He once asked me if I am comfortable speaking about sex, and I was like yeah sure, okay. Now everything seems to be going in that direction. Fuck, why do these sexually experienced people talk to me. I’d rather them find me on the street and see what sort of a timid person I am, and forget about it. Okay, I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore.

Some things I have never discussed aloud

In the midst of drifting between wanting a relationship and being single, I have avoided admittimg certain things to myself. I kept it all to myself as I was growing up, and it set me apart from girls my age.

Apparently little girls dream of their big day, about some prince charming who will wisk them away. Not I…I fantasized about being a nun.

It’s important to say that I never harboured much spiritual beliefs in me. I was attracted to the lifestyle of nuns and monks, living often in close quarters, but devoted to something else, and spending much time alone. I romanticized the notion, of living in harmony with the world while being alone when you go to sleep. There is a sense of community nonetheless.

I don’t know why this sort of lifestyle is often tabooed to an extent in our society. Why can’t I lead the same sort of life outside a convent and not be considered some sort of a freak?

My closeted monastic desires come to life whenever I feel I am getting to wrapped up in human drama. Part of me that stands away from relationships is the part that believes being with one person will take away my solemn harmony with the world.

I had kept this part to my self for a very long time, thinking people will think I am some sort of whacko. I definitely haven’t been particularly chaste, or poor in spirit in my short life, but I seek purity on a level that most people find impractical for day to day life. I can’t be with anyone who can’t share the vision of sharing my heart and mind figuratively with the whole world, and who discriminates against other human beings and animals to fend for oneself and his chosen family. To an extent I hate the concept of a family, because it seems fake on many levels, quite very limiting. When I got my around the head the personal need for sexual activity, the idea of Free Love really appealed to me.

I know I’m pretty messed up.

I live with these fucked up dichotomies. On one hand I’d like a relationship, but I don’t like how it takes me away from the entire world. I would eventually like my own family, but I don’t like the thought of being Machiavellian to save myself and my family. I don’t like the idea of not caring about anything outside of myself, but I continue to keep telling myself and others to take responsibility for their own happiness, and that I can’t do anything about myself. I am distraught between giving myself totally to one person, and turning my back on the whole world.

Till this Girl who got bored was about 15 or 16, her idea of a life consisted of moving from one place to place, learning about different things, living with people of random cultures, and not quite having a permanent home. It would be my own kind of monastic living, because apparently you can’t have a relationship like that.

I fucking hate the thought of settling down, cause to me it resembles a lack of further growth.

Every time I have had missed opportunities with guys, I didn’t really beat myself up about it until others told me that’s what I was supposed to do. Part of me always knew to be totally in love, I can’t be anything other than alone.

There was a whole paradigmatic shift once I entered university, where everyone is planning for a future life, a future home with a future spouse of some sort. I found the notion foreign and unsettling.

I guess I was peer pressured into wanting a relationship.

This summer, while bonding with existing friends, I continue to live on in my head.

All this time, when I was talking about how it’s awesome being alone and doing things, I just was channeling this part of me in other ways.

I don’t know what I’m gonna end up being in the future, but nothing really scares me anymore you know?

I just couldn’t care less. I’m happy to be breathing this air with the rest of planet.