Wow, I’m so not gay

My recent haircut is the cause of a characteristic appearance that apparently makes me desirable to other women who are into women.

My friend and I, who share a common style of clothing on a regular basis, and who have often been mistaken for a lesbian couple, decided to actually see what the Toronto Gaybourhood was like. My friend is much less girly than me, is straight and like me, has never been in a relationship.

We went to this largely-lesbian hangout for dinner, and my god, I felt so unoriginal.

I felt as if I conformed to everything without even trying really. It bothered me much, since I am used to being different.

We realized, if we were bi/lesbian, we would not be in the situation we are in now, you know like without having a relationship ever.

But seriously, I’m so not gay.

The current dating diaspora

Many of you would be surprised to hear this, but the large majority of my friends, whether male or female, have never had boyfriends/girlfriends.

My friends have mostly been overachievers in whatever field they belong in, and pretty much nobody dates, or thinks about such things much.

It is not until I reached university that I actually felt the need to really date, because a larger concentration of people had been in relationships and for once I felt below average, but really, the average person in my program of study or among any of the diverse range of people I hang out with, have ever had a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

Perhaps we are going to be a bunch of really late bloomers in the relationship field?

I feel like a freak that I have actually jumped on to the online dating bandwagon. The guy I mentioned a couple of posts ago, is still talking to me. I like the conversations we have, and he said he enjoys them himself as well. I once asked him honestly where this was going and he said he just wanted to take things slow as he is a busy person and had once made a mistake by rushing into the online dating thing too quickly and it didn’t work out. I respect this totally. While I am not completely swept off the floor by him, it could work. I will give it more time and patience, just because I am really nice like that. lol

One thing that bothers me though, is the guy is taking a break from university or rather has put his studies on hold while he and his friend try to start up their business. I mean that is fine and dandy, I don’t mean to be an elitist bitch, but it’s just hard for me to imagine myself with someone who is less of an intellectual than I am. While the guy isn’t hopeless at all, initially he came of as the type of person that doesn’t care about matters of the mind. Yet, at times, he continues to surprise me, with his interest in obscure fantasy novels, Discovery channel and video games. There is however another unsettling component to him. He apparently doesn’t really have a group of friends, rather knows people individually. He thinks it’s the best way to interact with people. While I agree, part of me is afraid that he is one of those social outcasts that plays online multiplayer games and does not actually get out to enjoy life. But I probably should not make such judgements but I had to put down my concerns anyway, in case some of you notice any red flags go up.

The changing of the seasons

We have progressed well into fall. Fall has always connoted getting back to the roots of who I am, and it is especially a sensitive period for me inside, but no one has seen that vulnerability in me in this time of the year. Ever. I am a fall child, and this is the time for me to get back to my roots. Every year when my birthday comes up in November, I like to spend a good quantity of time alone, reflecting, and eventually by the new year, I grow into something completely new and different. It is a time for both decay and growth, but most importantly self-actualization.

Every year around this time, I feel sombre, if not completely depressed. Underneath all my quirky interests, random adventures, desire to overcome my present situation, there is a soul deeply affected and bored by its disposition in life. It is once again, I come to terms with what exactly I am. I am bored with my life. I remain unfulfilled.

Fulfillment for me is so much more than a relationship or the sum of the relationships and friendships I have had. It is a growth in my soul that does not depend on good will or help of another. It’s creative growth.
Creative bonding with others of a similar mindset, that is more than friendships, but could develop into very deep friendships. It can take the form of a mentor and student relationship. Whatever the format, I have found such settings, in their informal form, the most involving and fulfilling.

When I was younger, I was involved in the arts and theatre. Thus far, that has been the most fulfilling time of my life. Now, I don’t have the time to get involved in such things, and in the program I am in, there seems to excitement about such endeavours. I envy people involved in the arts, but I am sure at one point, it gets boring for them as well.

My mother had always told me that I should find interests that occupy my time because that would be what gets me through the day when I am old or when I am lonely. At other times, she has told me to surround myself with people,  so that I don’t get lonely. To me, these things are kind of contradictory, yet I try to do both simultaneously, and it does nothing for me.

May be I should get back on those prescribed anti-depressants that I have pretended don’t exist, because I am better than that. I don’t have depression, that’s what I told myself.

Then I think, if I can’t incorporate the arts into my life, perhaps, I could live vicariously through someone else who is. No one as such comes to mind anymore. I had the pleasure of knowing many, but since then they have moved to different places and I’ve lost touch with them.

I’m lonely and bored, that is all there is to it.

I am not happy with stability. I want an adventure. Is that too much to ask?

May be I should just move to another country. This stasis is paralyzing.

Will I just end up being lonely forever?

I am just going off on random tangents now. There we go. That’s all for today.

A haircut and some self-actualization

After I started that interesting journey of online dating, I discovered a couple of things, and after a haircut, these things were further realized.

Last week when I wrote, I said that I didn’t discuss matters related to my name or stuff with the guys I talked to from that online dating site. I did not lie about who I was but I did lie about my name. I did not really have a choice. If according to Facebook there are 3 people in the whole wide world with my name, all living in different corners of the globe, it is pretty darn easy to track me down. While my profile is set to private and all, a simple google search can return a lot of things about me, …academically related nonetheless, but I seem to have some kind of problem with such prying. So I don’t know if this excuse is good enough, but I lied to them about my name. Every single one of them.

So today while I was talking to one of them, he suggested we go for coffee. I was retarded enough to say yes and gave him my dorm phone number, which I think is much safer in this case for protection of privacy. Here’s where the problem comes in though. I find this other guy I have talked to way more attractive and compatible than him and I have no clue why I am leading him on like this. And now he has my phone number and the promise of a date. What the fuck is wrong with me? I can’t do this.

Sometime last week I quickly shook off all the feelings I had about the guy I mentioned in my last post. Without actually meeting someone in person, I can’t begin to feel that we have a connection. It just does not work that way for me. Since then, other guys have approached me who were as “desirable” as the guy before, yet my hormones or whatever, stopped reacting to any of them, and I realized, I wasn’t taking this seriously at all. Maybe the time hasn’t come yet where I take online dating seriously. To be honest, from the beginning, it had been nothing but a purely intellectual experiment.

I am tired of women trying to be a certain way to attract men. I was ashamed to look at myself and see that I was doing the same sometimes, not to the degree that most other women do, yet in a way I do it in a way in which I am never completely satisfied with myself, and always feel I have to measure up to the likes of models to be in the appropriate league. I decided to myself, the hell with it all, I will free myself from this desire of wanting to be in a relationship because I feel like I am so close to one and desperately seek and need one (even though in person you wouldn’t know that).

I went to an expensive salon, and got my hair cut the shortest it has been in the last 10 years.

No it wasn’t a buzz cut. It’s like feminine short hair.

The reason that I feel that it would free me from yearning to be in a relationship is that it was a metaphoric shedding of everything feminine I have tried to conform to since I was a little girl. Freud would say it was my way of becoming a woman and potentially trying to attract a man. All these years I have done different things with my shoulder length or longer hair to define myself, perhaps somewhere in the back of my head, with the hope that it attracts someone to me that way. Now with my hair cut short, I feel this burden of femininity has been lifted from me, and I am free to exist for who I am and I have nobody to impress but myself. I am no more the girl that can just indulge in random experimentation without any emotional contact. I am sick of treating my heart this way. Sure, I am a human being with my carnal needs, but I will only satisfy them in the right conditions. No, I don’t mean I am saving myself for marriage, just that I won’t give it all away to some random guy.

Right now, I like myself a lot. More than I have done even in the last few months, when I was feeling very positive about myself. People have complimented me hugely after my haircut. An instructor actually stopped in the middle of the lesson and announced it to the class when she saw me. That was highly awkward, but just goes to say how much of a difference it has made.

I don’t think most guys “dig” girls with short hair though, so it’s like, hey it’s cool, you’re not into me, we can just get to know each other as people, not as friends with benefits or anything like that. If it develops into something more, that’s great, if not, that’s okay too.

I came to accept the fact that throughout all my life, I have struggled with femininity. When I was young, I used to assert I was a boy, and was basically very androgynous, if not a boy living in a girl’s body. In time, I accepted my femaleness, yet I could never be like the other girls, that would be just betraying myself. My efforts to be accepted as feminine would be characterized by my hair, which was kept at least shoulder length while my behaviour remained and still is largely androgynous.

I just don’t care anymore. I will not try to be all pseudo-girly and try to get the boys. Not many boys like short hair. That’s okay. I like it. And for now that’s all that matters.

A bout of enthusiasm and hope at midnight

I just really have to write this down before I hit the hay.

So I have been talking to this guy from the dating site for 2 days. A tad early to get this excited? Hell yes. Even a cynic like me would say that. But hey, I am allowed to express myself.

I think I would really like to go on a date with him. It has already been suggested and stuff, but he insists I finish my midterms (and strangely takes a lot of interest in my academics).

He is really cute, and I would expect a guy like him to have a real group of friends. But apparently he doesn’t, he just knows random people and doesn’t really have a social circle. I am cool with that and honestly, it makes things easier for paranoid old me, because there is less of a chance that he knows any of my friends or his friends do.

His secularism, and seeing people as people rather than what culture they come from are huge pluses. However, the negatives are that he doesn’t seem very spirited about many things, but I can’t really judge that since I have only been talking to him on MSN. That’s okay though, since I am not a bubble of energy myself, and really hyper people scare me.

I really hope I don’t jinx this thing. I hope I at least get to a first date. Everything seems to be pointing that way, but geesh I would like some certainty sometimes.

Wish me luck and good karma!

:D:D

His ethnicity is also rather interesting even though he isn’t like enthusiastic about it. He is a third generation Canadian of Ashkenazi Jewish origin. I am not sure if I should say this, but that sounds quite sexy.

While this is the primary train of thought in my head now, there are other things that concern me as well.

I am retarded when it comes to stupid dating rules. I guess if I treat the online dating rules as an extension of dating rules in real life, then I am really stupid. Take for example, the notion that let the guys do all the chasing, and girls just stay put and look pretty. I am not a fan of that. If I am interested in someone, I give really subtle clues away, and the first time I added him on MSN, I started the conversation. In other occasions, I have pursued guys in real life, and I am not into just being the aloof lady who just waits on the men to do all the asking and what not. I just feel dating rules are stupid and cause further confusion.

That being said, I haven’t been on a first date since about 8 months now. So I am rusty. I don’t know what to say. I just want to be myself and calm and what not. But then I was stupid enough to start thinking about dating rules and now I am all confused. My hormones should just shut the fuck up.

For the love of crows.

Anywho, enough ranting. Goodnight now.

So I did it…

Just because I could, I signed up for an online dating service.

It was pretty random, I am not expecting much from it. It’s just going to be like any other social networking site for me, except I am not gonna know the people, and overall I am going to have a passive approach to the whole thing. I like how it allows me to look at guys without getting emotionally attached to them and if there is no mutual interest, it’s not too bad.

At first, I was brave enough to put my picture up, but then I got unwanted interest from older guys. I politely said they were too old for me, but some kept insisting, and this one messaged me his address and told me to drop by anytime for sex…not exactly what I was looking for.

I removed my picture.

After having done that, I find the type of guys that approached me or returned interest in me were more my type and not creepy and much older looking to get laid.

I haven’t talked to anyone that I am totally looking forward to meeting and I don’t expect to. There has been about two guys I share many interests with. One I thought was way out of my league, but I approached him anyway and responded positively and even asked me to come to this event with me. I couldn’t go, but we still talked and seem to get along just fine.

I haven’t told anyone my real name yet, or we just haven’t discussed that topic about names. This might not seem like a big deal but trust me it is. That’s because only 3 people (including myself) have my name on Facebook, and there is not a single soul in the United Kingdom (I found this through www.yournotme.com) that has my name. So if I were to tell them my name, it would be pretty easy for them to find out stuff about me. While I have been told that I have a unique and sexy name, it’s time like this I wish I had a more common name like Julia or Mary or Catherine.

I’m still not sure how to take the issue of my friends finding out. However, since it is not time yet to deal with that, I have just put it in the back of my head. When the time comes to deal with it, if the time comes for me to deal with it (i.e. I found someone online and have to tell my friends), I will see what I will do.

Wish me luck!

Postscript: I just found a pattern in all the men I have liked in real life. They are Caucasian males from very small towns that are in grad school. Weird huh?

Online Dating: Should I or should I not?

I got thinking about this recently.

It would be an understatement to say I am afraid of the internet.

Just the number of things that could go wrong scare me and make me really really paranoid. I’d rather pick up a guy in a bar. At least I would have met him physically, and I now know that I have the balls to do that. But nobody will be wingman. Everyone around me is a serious prude.

Seriously though, I have been getting increasingly lonely. I haven’t been on a real date for gosh knows how long.

Yet at the same time, I don’t feel peer pressured to date. The large majority of my friends are not dating. They don’t seem to be in a rush. Neither am I, but I just feel there could be someone out there who I wouldn’t mind killing some time with.

Perhaps I am not seeing my priorities right.

Then again, I could just make a profile and let the guys pursue me.

It would be like an experiment. I probably won’t act on it. I am too webshy for that. But if I really like someone on it, I might just change my mind. I don’t know.

What could go wrong really?

I would hate my friends to find out. More than anything else. Yeah that’s my fear really.

Or if someone in my class or day to day life is on the dating site, things might get seriously awkward.

I just hope I don’t stumble across someone I know. That would be very very bad.

Previously, I thought I would only try online dating if I was at another city for sometime, and didn’t have many friends and needed someone to kill time with.

But I am really looking for someone to connect with. I seem to have this excess energy.

Then again, there is the monetary aspect of online dating. I am not gonna bother trying a free site because that’s just sketchy, but there is no way in hell I am paying for this at this point in my life.

Anyone got any ideas as to what I should do?

My gut says go for it, but my mind says no.

The most climactic yet anti-climactic weekend of my life

If there was one word to describe my existence, it would be anti-climactic. I just realized that. I am the girl that’s almost reaching her goals, and sometimes the one who surprises herself with her own abilities but never quite lives up to her own expectations that change as her self-perception changes from being in the absolute bottom to something a lot higher.

A prolific indie musician from the UK who shall not be named came to my town this weekend and I went to his show. Earlier I had contacted his record label people for an interview for the school newspaper however they told me last minute that it wasn’t gonna happen. I was pretty bummed out, but I went to his show anyway. A part of me wasn’t expecting to get in since it was a 19+ gig, and I am not yet 19. However, they didn’t bother and I got in fine as did my friend, who also isn’t 19. Once we got in, we were so thrilled with the fact we could actually be there and that was enough.

Without expecting to though, the night got much better, at least beyond what my rational thinking would predict. It was a small and pretty intimate gig. My friend was quick to point out to me that I was the only person of colour there. I laughed. I am always the token brown kid. There were some other bands playing before the British indie musician started (well all of them were British); and by that time, I was right at the front, about 2 feet away from the mic. This caused a lot of awkward eye contact. Well it was awkward and delightful, but the music was pretty fucking great. I feel bad I can’t discuss the music because I can’t name the artist. Why that is I’ll get to in a moment.

I came to the show knowing that I might not get in, and I was already feeling bummed out for not getting the interview. However, once I got in, I didn’t feel too bad. I was ecstatic actually.

After the show, I went to the washroom, which was kind of adjacent to the backstage area. When I came out, I saw the British indie musician just standing around with his merchandise. For a few seconds, I hesitated, but then I went straight up to him and introduced myself and asked him if he could give me a time for an interview. He isn’t one of those extroverted and sociable musicians, and is probably one of the most awkward person I have spoken to who is also that attractive. It was adorable how he stuttered and mumbled to himself. He was so oblivious as to who I had spoken with and readily said I could interview him. He gave me his cell phone number and told me to call him in the morning.

Then it came to me, what sort of a celebrity gives away his cell phone number to a random sketchy brown chick at the backstage of some hole-in-the-wall venue? Really now, if I was a creepy stalker, I could easily use that to my advantage. It made no sense to me. I wouldn’t have imagined him to give me his number in a billion years. It’s hard to actually illustrate how surprising this is. There are some people who are really big in the indie world, and have their fair proportion of girls dying to sleep with them, whether or not the musicians themselves allow for a groupie culture to flourish. This guy is a shy guy from the English countryside. It’s hard to think of him as the groupie-encouraging type but if you search up his name on Google, you will encounter quite a few blogs/fansites with a large number of females drooling over him.

He was kind of expecting me to stick around backstage but it was really late at night and I thought it would be best to head back home. It was an amazing night. All the cute awkwardness made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. At the same time, I went “what the fuck” every 5 seconds when I thought about the fact that he just gave me his phone number.

My friend who was with me while this happened just stayed silent and awestruck the entire time. She had no words for the events of the evening. I didn’t really either.

The next day I called him in the early afternoon. Silly me, I should have known, people who follow the rock and roll lifestyle kind of stay out pretty late and I kind of woke poor British indie musician up with my phone call. I apologized and then asked him where we should meet up. He welcomed any suggestions since I was a local however, I had nothing in mind at the moment so I said I would call him later.  When I did call him though (a few hours later), he was busy with shipping his equipment off at the airport and he apologized profusely for not realizing how hectic the day would be and told me that it’s unlikely he can do the interview in person with me. That’s where all that excitement came crashing down. No more interview. I thought he was being very kind and considerate. He leaves town tomorrow but he gave me his MSN and said that I could “conduct” my interview online.

This is still very weird for me.

I have the phone number of a musician that I only have seen on Youtube, who lives on the other side of the Atlantic. I also have him on MSN now. What the fuck? What are the chances of this happening to a person like me?

What surprises me more is that I am no stereotypical groupie female. I can’t be that because I just cannot pass myself of as one. I am not so attractive that random men just give me their phone numbers after I have talked to them for 2 minutes. I never dress provocatively as one would expect from stereotypical groupies. This particular time, I was dressed quite casual/sophisticated in a feminine way; best I have looked in the last month, but nothing close to a groupie. Really, I am single in real life. I don’t date much. But apparently this particularly attractive and talented musician just happened to give his info to me.

At the same time, due to whatever he had to do, he couldn’t actually do the interview in person with me. That’s totally okay. This to many people might not sound so surprising at all. Guys in bands are known to be sometimes a little too friendly with their female fans, but this one is noticeably introverted and I am not fucking Aphrodite, and the dynamics are just not like that of the traditional groupie-musician. But for me, one who has never had this sort of exciting stuff happen to them, I find myself suddenly being so questioning of it. Why me? People say these things when bad things happen to them. I say it when good things happen to me as well.

Maybe sometimes good things don’t happen to me because I am afraid for them to happen.

Who knew this poor girl will have the unsought title of “Almost groupie” bestowed to her by her dear dear friends?

Nah. I am not like a 10-year-old who wants to marry a Backstreet Boy. I am quite the opposite. Yet something that a lot of females want happened to me when I hadn’t expected it. Perhaps a lot of things in life are meant to be this way.

No I am not floored by his beauty and talent and spend my hours daydreaming about him. I had a strictly professional approach and it paid off darn well apparently. I admire him, and from the half an hour that I spent with him, we seem to get along just fine. That’s just that.

Was this what my gut told me about all along? That this was about to happen?

Regardless of the triviality of this event from a certain perspective, it has restored some great energy and confidence in me. I want to pass it on to everyone around me and help their lives become energized as well.

Final conclusion: Everyone is way more than they ever know.

Some observations…and the Poet

I’m finding at the increasing rate that I get along and feel a connection with guys in their in their mid-twenties (i.e. 23-26) way more than I do with guys my own age (I’m almost 19).

I am not quite ready yet to share the details as to how this observation came about, but for now I am trying to ponder why that is. A friend suggested to me that I am an old soul. Pretty accurate, I have to say.

There is a weird sense of hope in the air. I can’t explain it. I am not the type to believe that things happen the way they are for the greater good, just because I am too cynical for all that, but somehow I feel something good is just around the corner.

I have been feeling pretty content for the last month. Even though some occurences have caused my spirits to sink, I have picked myself right back up and I just felt quite naturally that something good will happen.

I have joined some extracurriculars in the new school year which I wasn’t involved with before. I am amazed at how sociable I have become since high school and how readily I can lead people, without being a bitch or intimidating.

I have been getting unexpected compliments about my looks. It makes me happy, yet I haven’t changed my looks in the last year.

I am planning to discuss more about ideas rather than just myself in this blog. Ideas that have influenced me and shaped me as a person. This blog is not just about my personal life, but also my boredom, which despite the weird stuff I have to live through still persists.

Boredom has become a way of life for me. I almost feel an endearing connection to large chunks of time that I have when I have finished all school work in advance and have nothing to do since all my friends are behind and I have no one but myself to entertain me.

It’s not really boredom anymore. It’s a path of self-discovery.

I love my alone time. I love leading my life alone at the moment. It’s not lonely. It’s quite a blissful solitude. I have gotten in touch with my creative side once again and have found some people to share it with.

This is where I realize that I cannot just digress away from the fact that my ideas are not rootless entities floating in space. They are inherently connected to my experiences and the people I meet.

I have only gotten to know and had the pleasure of the Poet’s company for an hour, so until I get to know more about him, I will not make any hasty judgements on his nature and what I think/feel about him.

Wish me some good karma. I feel amazing, but I wouldn’t mind sharing my solitude with someone would I now.

Why am I single?

I haven’t addressed this question, because I haven’t found a real reason for it. But here it goes.

In the course of the last year, I had subconsciously taken on the effort to build myself into what I actually wanted to be. The first goal was to become financially independent from my parents, which I did very successfully and I am glad to say I am completely on my own now.

In terms of appearance, I was lucky enough to have a naturally athletic body, and despite eating a slice of pizza everyday for lunch in my entire first year of university, there had been no change in my weight. Before university I dressed mostly as what is generically called the “skater” or the “rocker” style. I had the messy hair thing going and the whole shebang. Yeah, it might be weird to imagine a brown girl pulling that off, but it was not a conscious choice with which I woke up one day and decided “Oh I am going to dress like a skater from now on”. It’s just how I am. I still have the messy hair and most components of the style however occasionally I like to freak my friends out by wearing a nice dress shirt or do a crossover between feminine and tomboy styles by wearing plaid shirts that show a little cleavage. In formal occasions, I have always been archetypally feminine, but it’s weird for most of my peers who know me as the tomboy rocker chick. In prom, a good friend told me “You look like a cleaned up Courtney Love”. It’s one of those weirdly delightful compliments I have ever received.

In terms of my personality, not much has changed since high school. I am still the outgoing quirky girl I have always been. I usually have lot to talk about to anyone, and can socialize easily. I have been told my peers that I have this dynamic sexiness that could be understood by those who deserve to, and that often my universal sex appeal is hidden behind all that quirk. I am not really sure what that means, but I think it’s all good. I feel sexy everyday without much effort and I carry myself with calm confidence everywhere I go.

So what’s wrong with me?

I am a socially adept academically gifted quirky and apparently attractive chick in her late teens who is open-minded and adaptive, even down for the geeks, cause I am a geek myself. Why am I still single?

Actually, looking at everyone around me, it’s not just me. I attend one of the most prestigious programs in the country and I surrounded by many well-rounded attractive females who have never been in a relationship. I know two cheerleaders who have the beauty and the brains and they too have never had boyfriends. Most of my friends have never dated, and they all boast the same caliber in terms of looks and personality. We seem prepared and able to function in relationships. So why aren’t we in one?

I don’t know the sociological/anthropological reasons for our shared predicament, except for the hypothesis that whatever guy we deserve is probably of higher caliber than anyone we know at the moment. I have always questioned the theory about the right guy coming along when the time is right, since the time is right for all of us, and no guy, let alone Mr Right seems visible in the horizon. Thus some thoughts on really what’s up with this eternal singlehood business that is logical will be much appreciated.