Emancipation

There are those of us who pass our days by as we yearn for someone to make our lives that much special, sulking over each passed opportunity whether in our career, education or personal lives, even to the point where we wish to become someone else. From time to time, I have fallen into this mode of thinking, and much of it is reflected on my previous entries, but now I am emancipated.

I am emancipated from the anxiety over the fact that I do not conform to the ideal of having had a relationship by the age of 19.

I am emancipated from the thought that I have to act and be a certain way to be liked by boys.

I am emancipated from petty crushes that may or may not develop into something special.

I have come to the point where I will not overanalyze all the things that contribute to my state of being but accept it happily. I am unique, and there needs to be no justification for that.

I will not think of my state as boredom because people my age apparently have so much excitement in their lives while I spend my time pursuing academics and my own interests. I don’t need to be defined by what other people do.

I will live to bask in the glory of my unique existence, open to the possibility of someone special turning up any moment, but I will not yearn for it. I am enough of a wonder to myself to keep myself entertained and amused.

I will not fool myself into the thought of being enamoured with someone, when it is for the wrong reasons and hope that something flourishes just because I could use a relationship. If I am not non-superficially interested in someone, I will not beat myself up over what could be and what should be. I am not looking to just date. I want to love and be love. And I have so much of it, it can’t be shared with just anyone. I have come to understand that I don’t really even start to like people in that way without knowing them enough.

I’ll let the natural flow of life take over while I am once again finding myself amongst the wonder of things, satiating my curiosity. After all, knowledge will always be my first love.

There is much more in me and the world around me to cry over not ever having been in relationships. I am a fucking awesome person in myself, even an alpha female of sorts, I don’t need to take crap from society’s conventions. All I can do is revolutionize them. And fuck yeah, it’s all in my hands!

I know, through all statistical probability, I will find someone in life. And guess what? He will be just as special as I am, with an enriched internal world. In the meanwhile, I can only take care of my mind and soul.

I am no believer of prophecies, or any kind of spiritual stuff and not even religious but I know I have reason to be hopeful. Everyone does.

Today a great friend of mine told me she has noticed my positively changing nature in the past few years. Without me saying anything, she told me that I am apparently going to get a boyfriend soon.

But all this emancipation business occurred before that. So I will just accept whatever she says.

Now wish me luck for my term exams!! I sure will need it.

Also, to my fellow bloggers, I am personally often affected by the things you write. I feel, perhaps foolishly, that I could spread some good karma to your lives and I want to see and be inspired by changes that happen in our lives. Nothing is constant. Change is inevitable, and for some of us, most of us actually, things are surely headed for the better. I am not a cheerleader for optimism, but statistically speaking, things are in our favour. Trust me

ugh…I’m retarded

I don’t know how to say no.

The guy that I mentioned before who I have been talking to from that dating site really wanted to meet me this weekend. At first I said yes, then a bunch of things came up so I had to say no.

The thing is, I don’t want to meet him just yet. I haven’t yet given up on the real world for a boyfriend, so why should I bother about seeking out people online and when I find them, why should I settle for less?

I am just not that into him.

Goddamn it, why didn’t I just stop talking to him?

Now I feel like an evil person who has led him on. And apparently what goes around comes around. Shit.

November

I’m a child of November.

Last night, I celebrated my birthday with a very large group of people (although it isn’t my birthday just yet). It’s been a very long while since I have celebrated my birthday with as many people. Since when I turned 12, I have avoided having big birthday celebrations, preferring to have my closest company around. Seeing however, that I am a disowned child without a family, I’ll take all the lovin’ I can get.

It was very nice. Some people who I haven’t seen since high school were there. We got to catch up. Pleasant conversations.

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Earlier that day however, something did happen that made me think on various levels.

I had gone to visit a friend who was volunteering and I had to take some of their stuff back to my room. There was a guy there she mentioned to me before, who was in my faculty and was known to be a little weird and funny.

He randomly said that he was bored at the volunteering place and started walking around the premises with me cause I was like “I’m gonna go wander for a bit” and then he was like “Let’s have an adventure”. I left my friend and the other girl that was there at the volunteering station.

He followed me along, and seemed weirdly kindred, yet not without a sense of humour that doesn’t throw me off sometimes. We discussed our faculties and stuff briefly. But most of the time, he related his observations of things, while putting in random details about himself.

I realize whenever I write about such things, there is a certain vibe I get from people’s behaviour that cannot quite be described in words. It’s like subtle undercurrents of interest or just random probing with no purpose. I don’t know which. This type of behaviour usually confuses me a lot.

They all (my friend, the boy and the girl volunteers) helped me carry stuff back and once again I engaged in above average interesting conversation with the boy. That was that. I didn’t mind seeing him again. After all, he handed the volunteer sign up sheet to me and I signed up.

Now this is where it gets weird. My friend later explained to me that the other girl there was his ex, and now there I just walked in, and went for a little “adventure” with her former man. How awkward is that? While the girl has started seeing someone, he apparently hasn’t and somewhat ignores her. And there I was, someone he never met before, and we ended up talking quite a bit and sharing information about ourselves. I did that all without knowing the existing dynamic of the people, in the presence of his ex. Now I don’t know how to interpret this situation.

All signs point to us bumping into both the boy and the girl again, and I have no idea how I would deal with shit this time, since I know what each other’s history and dynamic is. I would be lying if I said I felt no attraction to the boy, but this has confused everything out of me.

What if he just uses me to make her jealous? Or that I am some kind of rebound girl to make him feel good about himself? What exactly constitutes a rebound anyway?

Any thoughts/analysis on this will be very appreciated.