Ever had that feeling when you feel so comfortable with where you are in life you kind of stop growing? Well, this is where I am now.
It sucks to know that I have sort of become dependent on an identity crutch of sorts and fail to see my life beyond that. I have fallen for the hipness of the student lifestyle even though I am not living it to the full extent I should be, just the idea thereof has me quite mesmerized.
When I started university, I thought I would just go with the flow of things and get involved and participate in wonderful artistic things around me. Most people around me had completely different interests, and more so were non-adventurous and stagnant, unless you count the weekly clubbing trips as novel and adventurous.
I am determined to get the most out of my life right now, the student life, yet somehow I feel it will hold me back from really facing the future one day.
But I know why I have been holding on to this world so dearly. It is, honestly, my only sanctuary. Academics have always been the thing I obsessed about just to hide from the emotional scars that my parents would inflict on me.
My parents themselves have had a shaky relationship. It would be much healthier for all of us, if they divorced, at least I would have known and felt that there was some sense of justice in the world. But they, especially my mom, holds on to dear self-destructing idealism, which has ruined her talents and creativity, and then she blames me for her sorrows, because I left her for university and I don’t want to ever become like her as a person. Don’t get me wrong, she is a smart, intelligent professional woman, with the gifts of human kindness and everything pretty much that makes for a generally pleasant person. I feel like I am writing about a Shakespearean character as I describe her here, but she does have a fatal flaw, and that is she is too much faith and not enough knowledge about human nature. Most of the times, when she does have fights with my father, I do side with her, but it’s only so long that I can put up with dire irrationality. Sure my father may have been a terrible person with extreme apathy for other people’s feelings, but at least he tries to be rational. Abusively rational. I just cannot sympathize with women like my mother, who have seen the freedom of the so-called post-feminist world, yet choose to live in the cave of their misled idealism and self-denial. It makes her no saint in doing so, despite what she would like to believe. She apparently has no problem passing down emotional baggage to me willingly, and then scarring me further by saying I am making her unhappy.
You know what? It’s time she started taking responsibility for her own happiness. I can’t reason with a maniac.
I have told her this many a times, but she is also one of those people who are too comfortable where they are in life. I refuse to be that way.
It’s been only one day since I finished exams. I was happy yesterday, being tipsy with all my classmates not all of whom I am totally familiar with in a big sketchy house downtown. It felt real and natural, and I felt a sense of unity with everyone there, something I have seldom felt about my family. I have had only a half an hour conversation with my two respective parents, and I already feel emotionally drained and I would really rather be writing more exams.
Despite what may come through in this blog, I am utterly optimistic and rational at the same time about where I want to be in life and who I want to be with. It bothers me when smart people such as my mom bring themselves down.
I can see myself, in another 10 years or so, becoming one of those career-obsessed women, but to me that is sort of a pretty awesome place to be at, knowing that I wouldn’t have to stop being progressive in my personality and thoughts. I have had enough stasis in my life as a mere 19 year old.
I sort of sometimes feel that I am at one of the worse situations in life one can be at. I am broke, with few close friendships, a craptacular family dynamic, no boyfriend. The list go on much further. However, in the last year, I have learned to be grateful for what I have and love myself nonetheless. At harsh times like this I am glad this is the way I am. It can only really get better.
In the last week, things have looked up for me.
I got one of those sexy research jobs at my university, which I totally wasn’t expecting to, but some prof saw how giddy I get around experimental apparatus and hired me.
This weekend, I am moving into a house full of random people I have never met, which I am quite excited about.
In conclusion to this academic year, I have learned a few important things or have had reaffirmations about certain things in general.
1. You are responsible for your own happiness.
2. Be nice to everyone around you, but know that nobody is as awesome to have a billion best friends. Stick with those who know and appreciate you best, but don’t get tied down to that circle of friends.
3. Do random crap that put you out of your comfort zone, but be safe.
4. Start conversations with people. It makes you seem almost human.
5. Dress well! It goes a longer way than one would expect.
6. Don’t lie to yourself, it only complicates things further.
7. Live organically and naturalistically rather than a machine programmed to complete tasks.
8. Make use of free will. Nobody can ever make you do anything.
9. Take opportunities to express yourself with art.
10. No matter how crappy things get, life goes on, for better or worse, but usually better.
I promised myself last November that I would reemerge as a better stronger person in the spring, and I think I have gone beyond the standards I set for myself. Heck, I am even ready for a relationship? Or casual dating, though that’s really not my thing. I mean, I feel much more social and less critical of every idiot boy out there. It’s just something that the change of seasons do to me, and I guess I might as well take advantage of it. Although I wouldn’t beat myself up about if I don’t get even a date this summer. There is much to rejoice about still due to the silent revolution that is ongoing inside of me.
