Blurred time

While I was walking back from work today, I had a strange feeling.

Most women take these sorts of feelings for granted, it’s nearly everyday life for them.

I’m not nearly as much of a daydreamer as I used to be, I get thrilled and in a solemn unity with the universe when I daydream.

I’m not sure what triggered it, but I imagined myself with a guy in the near future, my prince charming. I’m almost embarrassed to admit I did. I was thinking about how to get some dinner cooked and data analyzed efficiently when I would get home, but I was powerless to the images that appeared in my mind.

It’s an odd optimistic feeling, the ones I am especially skeptical about, but I let go and totally enjoyed it.

He was there, everything I admire in guys, put together like a puzzle, yet still leaving much unknown. He touched me with curiosity and affection, and I could see us as a couple, without me even changing parts of myself, without having to become girlier or prettier and I didn’t even have to moderate my standards. It seemed so real and gave me a twang of hope and something to smile about. I was in the presence, but my future self looked back at me. Nothing had changed, it might as well even have been today. I got a sense of how we as individuals exist in all planes of time.

I know there is a billion psychological reasons for this, but I will hold on to my waking dreams. I know it’s some skewed message my brain wants me to see, but that doesn’t keep me from cherishing it as a personal myth.

A lot of people say that you are ready for something once you are able to visualize it. I think I might have figured it out. I’m not afraid of the standards out there any more. Not even a little bit. I’m ready to meet him, despite my perceived flaws, because in that world, I am as normal as could be. He too, despite his obvious quirks, melancholic disposition, still can exist freely in the myth.

One day I will awaken and chuckle at this, but at least I am preserving some rare, fleeting instances of feminine feeling. I have never felt so much like a woman.

Weird juxtapositions

Today, I was reminded of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho because of the ironically labelled Ideal man.

Everything, including his profession, his tastes, his education and lifestyle reminds me of him.

What the fuck was I thinking? I almost want to tell him that now.

Virgin fetish? Honestly?

I’m almost about to lose my virginity here. Let’s pray that I don’t.

Guy I met online, but haven’t met in real life wants to pop my cherry and teach me details about carnal knowledge almost in a style a la Virgin School. No he is not an old fart, he is actually sort of my ideal man, kind of really into casual sex. I hate my luck.

He is damn well-educated smarty pants, clean-cut yet quirky type of guy, let’s call him Ideal man just to be ironic. He has his romantic ideas, but he is focusing on getting into my pants, stat. He likes that I am a poor tomboyish virgin.

I mean, I am flattered that I am desired, I just wish it manifested itself in a different form.

Sex is really important to this guy, he let me know that, but he had this intrigue and the ability to hold a real conversation that kept me interested. I feel stupid saying this now, but I thought he would have a change of heart and take the relationships route.

Sometimes, I just sit and wonder. Why do I attract these types? I am a very demure person and don’t shove my sexuality down other people’s face. I am modest and friendly. When did that become a fetish?

I just want someone who understands the lack of sexual experience in me but doesn’t seek to change it so that I become a megaslut. I don’t understand why people are so into sex sometimes if they don’t seek a real relationship with the person. I mean I always have my right hand.

I don’t know why I keep doing this…

I signed up for online dating, again.

Last time, I sort of pulled a disappearing act, because I was stressed and afraid for a variety of reasons.

I didn’t have my picture up, because I am still weirdly afraid afraid of having other people I know on the site. I do have a large close-knit set of people I know. It would be particularly awkward if things got out…

Within the day of signing up, 3 guys found me, they were the types I wouldn’t mind dating if I met them in the real world. That’s where I would like to leave it at now. I am far too busy and engaged in the real world to even take this shit seriously anymore. I guess it feels good feel “desired” in some way. Hah.

I have noticed, if I get my day’s worth of social noticeability, I don’t feel lonely or frustrated anymore.

This entire summer, because I was busy as fuck with work and social life, I never really thought about my lack of a love life much.

Sometimes I think my entire way of looking at the world is pretty messed up. It stems from childhood things I don’t even remember. Speaking of childhood, I should mention that a guy that I am still friends with and I used explore each other’s bodies when we were 5 or 6. I wonder if he remembers. We get along awesomely without awkwardness.

In other news, I have been featured as a first person on the blog for the upcoming documentary film American Virgin by Trixie Films. It can be found here. Please do note that Reva is not my real name.

That is all for today.

Also, question, have any of you guys, I realize there is only like 5 of you reading this blog, noticed a change in the way in my tone and perspective?

UPDATE: Shit, fuck, damn. Soon after I finished writing this post, I got a message from one of the guys I have been talking to. Let’s call him….the matrix (no particular reason why). He once asked me if I am comfortable speaking about sex, and I was like yeah sure, okay. Now everything seems to be going in that direction. Fuck, why do these sexually experienced people talk to me. I’d rather them find me on the street and see what sort of a timid person I am, and forget about it. Okay, I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore.