It’s really just a game

I am really late in realizing that but it is.

One thing that has been brought to my attention is that I don’t “flaunt my sexuality”. That is to say I don’t partake in the game. I don’t show off my physical beauty in a way that is obvious to the outside world. Sure I may have a nice pair of boobs and ass, but nobody knows about them if they are hiding under baggy sweaters 3 times my size. I used to think that it shows a very narrow definition of sexuality, and I still do, but as a scientist, I thought it might be worth investigating.

Since the commencement of the school year, I have actually paid attention to what the crap I am wearing. I haven’t exactly ditched my own style, I can never quite do that, but I have invested in starting to wear things that are my own size. (I am a size 4-6, but I love wearing size 8-10 just because they are baggy and comfortable). It’s amazing what a difference that can make.

People are visual creatures, and I am no exception. It’s amazing how much effect being comfortable with one’s curves can be. Few weeks ago, when I first started wearing my own sized clothing, I was surprised by how much lighter, how much more feminine and happy I felt. It’s not like I never used to wear things my own size before, such occasions were usually just reserved for special occasions/some social events. On a regular basis, when I am around friends or at school or just going to movies or something, I would do all I could to hide my feminine shape.

Back to my late understanding of how this is a game. In order for there to be results, there needs to be an experiment first. In order for there to be a reaction, an initial action must set it off. All this time, I could have been an instigator of chaos and orgies of massive scales, yet I stood around passive, friendzoning everyone indiscriminately, even if I had an inkling of attraction towards them. I never spoke out. Even though I didn’t seem like it, I was a veritable ice queen.

First week of school I went clubbing. It’s really not my scene, but a couple of my friends made me go. I was forced to dress “sexy” in mainstream terms. That apparently results in a variety of men approaching me and grinding with me. To be honest, it was a little weird. They have no idea about the inner geek goddess who obsesses over webcomics and quantum thermodynamics, and how much she hates most mainstream culture. It was ironic. I left my usual hipster label behind to join this grand gathering of something that is emblematic of the mainstream of our time. I am not saying all clubbing is mainstream, but this one is particularly known for drawing in a certain sorority/fraternity/people with normal lives crowd. It’s not really my cup of tea, it was odd and somewhat depressing that I would have to whore it all out to get a guy to want to get intimate with me. But that’s not apparently the only way you play the game.

Few days earlier, I was hit on by some random guy at my uni caf. I was sitting by myself reading a book during my free period while everyone else was in class. He decided he wanted to eat with me and kept talking to me about life in my very selective program and the like. I don’t deal too well with random people talking to me and trying to hold my hand, but it was funny on a theoretical level. He was technically a good catch; a recent graduate with a job and all. But I totally wasn’t expecting that and froze up and put up a wall. Ah well.

So these are my findings so far. It has caused me to drop a lot of inhibitions I have had from before. For example, I wouldn’t be half an interested in anyone if they didn’t seem like good  relationship material, but now I am apparently willing to give most decent people a chance, because I am clearly not looking for a relationship right now, I just want an adventure.