Postpone this entire ordeal with relationships.

Events in the past week have made me realize that I can be quite the player if I just tried a little. And it disgusts me.

So I guess I’ll just do everything else in my life and not ever pay attention to my untapped potential. Untapped, get it?

I would love to explain everything that happened, but oh look exams are looming over the horizon. So I’ll get on that right away.

To Leonard. He is not meant to see this. It will never be sent.

Dear Leonard,

I realized off the bat that you and I wanted different things. I realized that you wanted to satisfy your carnal cravings, and I wanted an intimate companion. I thought we could work things out, grow out of her respective delusions.

I realize I don’t know what I want. I switch from wanting sex to not wanting to do anything with someone with such low self-esteem and I never explicitly tried to pursue you. So when you pushed me away, I shouldn’t have been heart-broken. But I am. I hope we can be friends. I don’t know why I feel what could be reminiscent of post-coital attachment to you, since we were barely ever together. You have shown me parts of my blindspot in dating terms and I will try to work around that from now on.

I hate to admit it. But despite how some aspects of your personality repulses me, I thought I could ignore that. I knew I should have gone with my initial instinct that you were a shallow bastard not even let you touch me.

I am gonna go mend my heart now. At least you tapped into my vulnerabilities without knowing. I was trying to forget what they were.

So you know the younger guy I mentioned last post?

I am not sure what to call him. Let us say his name is Leonard because that’s not his name. Also he is like a year younger than me.

How do I describe him? Probably like a billionth generation Canadian (not First Nations or Inuit though) from a very white Ontario town and obscenely rich. Some girls would think I just won the dating lottery or something.

He is kinda more into me than I am into him. I think he mistook me for one of those hardcore expressive females that are all over guys. It’s not like I am not expressive, but most of the time I am just contently apathetic.

Despite the fact I have known him for like week, he has no problem at all suggesting we go all the way after what I could call our first actually physically intimate half an hour (i.e. cuddling/kissing). I mean, I barely felt anything emotionally but he is getting quite intense quite soon. I am very indifferent to that. I’m not sure how to deal with his emotions, when he thinks I am just as emotionally attached to him as he is to me. I don’t feel apologetic for what could be interpreted as the hollowness inside of me.

I’m not gonna go on a whining rant about how I can never meet a guy who can really resonate with me emotionally because it’s not a necessity in my life. I am perfectly content doing quantum calculations for biological systems. I’ve never been so sure, so level-headed about this whole singlehood thing in a very long time. Fuck! I am complete on my own and that’s that!

What am I to do with this whole business? I’m probably gonna let Leonard chase me if he wants to, if not that’s cool too. I just enjoy the cuddling and the kissing. He might think there is something real there, but for me this is totally no-strings-attached.

In other news, I am turning 20 next week!

I was listening to this song that has been on my iPod for a while now. It’s “The Lottery” by Emily Haines and the Soft Skeleton. It goes like this:

http://spin.com/audio/download/24115/eh_thelottery_hi.mp3

I only wanted what everyone wanted
since bras started burning up ribs in the 60’s.
Favors are flying, faces are falling,
all I desire is to never be waiting.
If that’s a crime let’s commit it.
There’s a new crime, sexual suicide.
When our underwire radio tears into their international airwaves
Boredom will Die! Ears will Bleed!
All they desire is to give and to please.
There’s a new crime, sexual suicide.
There’s a new crime, let’s commit it
while we’re waiting on the next day, to begin it in the best way.
There’s a new crime, sexual suicide.
There’s a new crime, let’s commit it.
Don’t worry, Heather, about forever.
Don’t worry about me.

It’s a lottery baby, everybody roll the dice
It’s a lottery baby, everybody roll the dice

Will we always be like little kids
running group to group asking who loves me?
Don’t know who loves me!
It’s pathetic. It’s impossible.
Like girls in stilettos,
like girls in stilettos,
like girls in stilettos trying to run.

This really resonated with me. I know that part of me wants the proverbial romance of my life, but another part of me is adamant of another person never being able to have me.

Sounds kind of sexually suicidal to me.

I mean, if you consciously think that “No one can have me”, aren’t you propagating an attitude that keeps you from getting laid?

And even if you do get laid, wouldn’t you go around still feeling unfulfilled, because you are worth nothing more than a hookup?

I know the logical structure of all that makes no sense. One thing does not automatically imply the other. But given the assumption “No one can have me” as sort of an emotional and individualistic assertion, you seem to limit yourself to either never getting laid and thus keeping yourself emotionally locked away or sleeping around a lot AND keeping yourself emotionally locked away except it bugs you because you want to be loved. I’m really leaning towards the latter.

So I met someone. Very very recently. It’s moving a bit too fast. I am kind of hiding away from him as we speak. I am gonna see how this whole thing turns out before I talk about it. Basic details: He is a younger guy. Very outgoing. I initiated it because…I don’t really know why. I feel like we get along awesomely, but both of us seem…emotionally unavailable to each other (granted it’s soooooooo early…I can’t even tell you how early this is. Quite embarrassing).  He is more sexually experienced than me (i.e. not a virgin). What makes us get along so interestingly is the same sense of humour and a hint of unresolved sexual tension. The end. I really don’t want to think about it right now. It makes me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable and a lot of other things that I am not so sure about. But it’s early. I’m gonna suck it up and endure through what I can. Then maybe I’ll spare more details.

I will leave you today with something that really resonates with me emotionally…something that showed me I am driven by more than my hormones.

I am really late in realizing that but it is.

One thing that has been brought to my attention is that I don’t “flaunt my sexuality”. That is to say I don’t partake in the game. I don’t show off my physical beauty in a way that is obvious to the outside world. Sure I may have a nice pair of boobs and ass, but nobody knows about them if they are hiding under baggy sweaters 3 times my size. I used to think that it shows a very narrow definition of sexuality, and I still do, but as a scientist, I thought it might be worth investigating.

Since the commencement of the school year, I have actually paid attention to what the crap I am wearing. I haven’t exactly ditched my own style, I can never quite do that, but I have invested in starting to wear things that are my own size. (I am a size 4-6, but I love wearing size 8-10 just because they are baggy and comfortable). It’s amazing what a difference that can make.

People are visual creatures, and I am no exception. It’s amazing how much effect being comfortable with one’s curves can be. Few weeks ago, when I first started wearing my own sized clothing, I was surprised by how much lighter, how much more feminine and happy I felt. It’s not like I never used to wear things my own size before, such occasions were usually just reserved for special occasions/some social events. On a regular basis, when I am around friends or at school or just going to movies or something, I would do all I could to hide my feminine shape.

Back to my late understanding of how this is a game. In order for there to be results, there needs to be an experiment first. In order for there to be a reaction, an initial action must set it off. All this time, I could have been an instigator of chaos and orgies of massive scales, yet I stood around passive, friendzoning everyone indiscriminately, even if I had an inkling of attraction towards them. I never spoke out. Even though I didn’t seem like it, I was a veritable ice queen.

First week of school I went clubbing. It’s really not my scene, but a couple of my friends made me go. I was forced to dress “sexy” in mainstream terms. That apparently results in a variety of men approaching me and grinding with me. To be honest, it was a little weird. They have no idea about the inner geek goddess who obsesses over webcomics and quantum thermodynamics, and how much she hates most mainstream culture. It was ironic. I left my usual hipster label behind to join this grand gathering of something that is emblematic of the mainstream of our time. I am not saying all clubbing is mainstream, but this one is particularly known for drawing in a certain sorority/fraternity/people with normal lives crowd. It’s not really my cup of tea, it was odd and somewhat depressing that I would have to whore it all out to get a guy to want to get intimate with me. But that’s not apparently the only way you play the game.

Few days earlier, I was hit on by some random guy at my uni caf. I was sitting by myself reading a book during my free period while everyone else was in class. He decided he wanted to eat with me and kept talking to me about life in my very selective program and the like. I don’t deal too well with random people talking to me and trying to hold my hand, but it was funny on a theoretical level. He was technically a good catch; a recent graduate with a job and all. But I totally wasn’t expecting that and froze up and put up a wall. Ah well.

So these are my findings so far. It has caused me to drop a lot of inhibitions I have had from before. For example, I wouldn’t be half an interested in anyone if they didn’t seem like good  relationship material, but now I am apparently willing to give most decent people a chance, because I am clearly not looking for a relationship right now, I just want an adventure.

I am thinking about starting a new blog soon, with a different pseudonym, which will be a bit more personal and intended for family and friends who are far away, around the country, and as a space for a lot of essays I write on contemporary and modern culture, science and some creative nonfiction. Some of you can email me and may be I can share it with you (given that I know of who you are in the blogosphere/in my blogroll). It’s not going to be a documentation of my everyday life per se, but an overall blog that represents “me” more than girlwhogotbored. Sure, girlwhogotbored has her place, but she is a relatively stagnant and I dare say, fading character. I just can’t relate to her anymore. She could evolve to become a more cohesive blogger, or I can shed this skin completely and start anew.

I am, however, not abandoning this blog. I have invested a good amount of time in the last year on this, however, I feel I could really use a change in topic or a wider variety of topic.

Funny thing is, this blog is as personal thing I have done, but I feel like if I start a new blog, it will represent more my intellectual side with a very vague background of what’s actually going on in my life. I will try to connect everything to a bigger picture, which is something I don’t do as much here in my opinion. I sort of need this to focus on my public persona, and better articulate myself in writing, in a space totally controlled by myself, outside of school.

I won’t be putting any links to that blog for all the world to see here, if I actually decide to follow through with this plan here, because girlwhogotbored needs to remain a separate entity for those I know in real life, but some of you are welcome to take a peek at my public persona, through some writing that is more intellectually focused, and pictures from my daily life and walks around downtown Toronto and elsewhere.

So what do you think? Should I do this? Or just totally revolutionize this girlwhogotbored’s character and just not invite family and friends onto here?

I like how my titles get increasingly generic.

In the past little while I have noticed how this blog is more than the sum of my experiences as a single girl, or rather how it has the potential of becoming more. I think I will focus my line of inquiry more towards that stuff from time to time. Surely, singlehood is going to be an apparent part of my life.

So what have I been up to lately?

3 week long family visit.

Holy fucking crap.

I have changed so much.

I am no one’s little girl anymore.

Apparently, that’s a problem.

I have however moved beyond bitching and complaining. Now onto more important things in life…like my hell school schedule

I don’t know if this has to do with the fact that I am getting hit on by very strange people and I don’t like it, or on some level it has validated me as a woman.

Validated me as a woman? What?

I am so derailed from what I thought was my purpose in life even though everything seems to be going fine. I have just stopped reacting, and it’s liberating. Once again, I’ll be sitting around waiting for the novelty to be thrown my way. We’ll see how that goes…

While I was walking back from work today, I had a strange feeling.

Most women take these sorts of feelings for granted, it’s nearly everyday life for them.

I’m not nearly as much of a daydreamer as I used to be, I get thrilled and in a solemn unity with the universe when I daydream.

I’m not sure what triggered it, but I imagined myself with a guy in the near future, my prince charming. I’m almost embarrassed to admit I did. I was thinking about how to get some dinner cooked and data analyzed efficiently when I would get home, but I was powerless to the images that appeared in my mind.

It’s an odd optimistic feeling, the ones I am especially skeptical about, but I let go and totally enjoyed it.

He was there, everything I admire in guys, put together like a puzzle, yet still leaving much unknown. He touched me with curiosity and affection, and I could see us as a couple, without me even changing parts of myself, without having to become girlier or prettier and I didn’t even have to moderate my standards. It seemed so real and gave me a twang of hope and something to smile about. I was in the presence, but my future self looked back at me. Nothing had changed, it might as well even have been today. I got a sense of how we as individuals exist in all planes of time.

I know there is a billion psychological reasons for this, but I will hold on to my waking dreams. I know it’s some skewed message my brain wants me to see, but that doesn’t keep me from cherishing it as a personal myth.

A lot of people say that you are ready for something once you are able to visualize it. I think I might have figured it out. I’m not afraid of the standards out there any more. Not even a little bit. I’m ready to meet him, despite my perceived flaws, because in that world, I am as normal as could be. He too, despite his obvious quirks, melancholic disposition, still can exist freely in the myth.

One day I will awaken and chuckle at this, but at least I am preserving some rare, fleeting instances of feminine feeling. I have never felt so much like a woman.

Today, I was reminded of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho because of the ironically labelled Ideal man.

Everything, including his profession, his tastes, his education and lifestyle reminds me of him.

What the fuck was I thinking? I almost want to tell him that now.

I’m almost about to lose my virginity here. Let’s pray that I don’t.

Guy I met online, but haven’t met in real life wants to pop my cherry and teach me details about carnal knowledge almost in a style a la Virgin School. No he is not an old fart, he is actually sort of my ideal man, kind of really into casual sex. I hate my luck.

He is damn well-educated smarty pants, clean-cut yet quirky type of guy, let’s call him Ideal man just to be ironic. He has his romantic ideas, but he is focusing on getting into my pants, stat. He likes that I am a poor tomboyish virgin.

I mean, I am flattered that I am desired, I just wish it manifested itself in a different form.

Sex is really important to this guy, he let me know that, but he had this intrigue and the ability to hold a real conversation that kept me interested. I feel stupid saying this now, but I thought he would have a change of heart and take the relationships route.

Sometimes, I just sit and wonder. Why do I attract these types? I am a very demure person and don’t shove my sexuality down other people’s face. I am modest and friendly. When did that become a fetish?

I just want someone who understands the lack of sexual experience in me but doesn’t seek to change it so that I become a megaslut. I don’t understand why people are so into sex sometimes if they don’t seek a real relationship with the person. I mean I always have my right hand.