On courtship and boredom

In returning to the original intent of this blog, that is, to explore the vast abyss of boredom, I present to you Arthur Schopenhauer’s views on courtship. I was initially introduced to this view from some philosophy text I borrrowed from a friend, but wikipedia summarizes it well:

The process of courtship also contributed to Arthur Schopenhauer‘s pessimism, despite his own romantic success,^[14] and he argued that to be rid of the challenge of courtship would drive people to suicide with boredom. Schopenhauer theorized that individuals seek partners who share certain interests and tastes, while at the same time looking for a “complement” or completing of themselves in a partner, as in the cliché that “opposites attract.”

Indeed, for the likes of me, who despite having the traditional view of the ideal family, with a mother and father (Of course, heteronormative conditioning is at work here) and children, shoved down their throats as long as they can remember, whose “liberal” parents insist on them finding someone and settling down, I am nearly ashamed to say, courtship, now that I am actually partaking in it, seems to be nothing more than a damn game now.

Indeed, despite my self-pity about my single status and all the reflections in this blog with regards to how I am frigid and everything, I realized, is not really at all about finding someone. It’s about a challenge. Despite all my “handicaps”, I wanted to prove to myself that I really am dateable, but that does not mean, I will ever stick to someone. However, I am at that point now, I feel bad for being the type that is dating for the experience of it all. Granted it’s novel of me, but I am not sure what part of me is in it for the experience and what part wants the person. I am sure a lot of women go through this dilemma, but it’s a bit more complicated for me, and I will explain why.

When I was growing up in India as a child, I knew I was different in many ways. Yes, this isn’t too long ago, and some of these ideas I am about to describe still are persistent in both cities and rural areas of India. I am a dark-skinned Indian, pretty much the darkest girl in my family. In addition, I am the least feminine, by choice. I have had many people overtly go up to my parents and express sympathy for having not just a daughter, but in addition, a very dark-skinned one, suggesting I was at a disadvantage. When I was in grade 5, my friends from India openly told me, if I wasn’t as dark, I’d definitely be a whore, because nobody who hangs out with boys so much (I was, and still am a tomboy), and still does not get a reputation like that. I was told, I was unattractive, on account of my skin colour, very, very openly.

I dressed like a tomboy, still do. It made me feel comfortable and very much myself, yet I sometimes got the idea that I was somehow less than the average woman. It was a lingering insecurity, but it also had to do with my own unacceptance of my sometimes feminine nature and deep fear of rejection based on the whole comprehensive person that I am.

Despite this, I have had high self-esteem all my life. Never doubted myself in any other arena, was never afraid of men, I was just afraid of a romantic challenge.

So when I got bored enough one day, I thought I needed to be challenged, I decided to take on the challenge of invoking the interest of men.

I think it started sometime last year. After my year long depressive academic phase, I was looking for something different.

I changed my wardrobe around a bit. I am a pretty fit person, and while keeping with my tomboy sentiments, I started dressing more like a hipster, a subculture, I have to admit I apparently fit into quite well.

In the midst of it all, I feel I lost the initial intent of finding a community, a person that is kindred, and now I took on everyone I thought was worth my time as a challenge, and I didn’t even follow through with it till the end. As soon as they were receptive I backed away, because that is not the kind of person I am.

Having realized that, I do plan to spend more quality time with myself. I feel stupid already for having to be the kind of person who looks at flirting with others as challenges, but having said that, it is a social skill I was uncomfortable with, despite my otherwise affable nature. Still though, in my opinion, the stereotypical forms of flirting are the stupidest thing I have seen. I shall have none of that.

So, what’s next on the plate for this tomboy-turned-hipster chick? I am sort of seeing someone, and I have a policy about not talking about it till I know more for sure. So till then, I hope to keep my rigid integrity despite whether or not I like this person enough to start a relationship with them. So far, this has been the most gentlemanly of the types I have ever gone out with (which doesn’t say much, since I don’t date much at all), as well as the most different from me in terms of education and what they do with their life.  Again, I won’t say much because having to put these words down confuses my own feelings.

In addition, I am gonna be on a break from this blog for the next 4 months due to travelling purposes. I may or may not post new things, but we’ll see how that goes.

It’s really just a game

I am really late in realizing that but it is.

One thing that has been brought to my attention is that I don’t “flaunt my sexuality”. That is to say I don’t partake in the game. I don’t show off my physical beauty in a way that is obvious to the outside world. Sure I may have a nice pair of boobs and ass, but nobody knows about them if they are hiding under baggy sweaters 3 times my size. I used to think that it shows a very narrow definition of sexuality, and I still do, but as a scientist, I thought it might be worth investigating.

Since the commencement of the school year, I have actually paid attention to what the crap I am wearing. I haven’t exactly ditched my own style, I can never quite do that, but I have invested in starting to wear things that are my own size. (I am a size 4-6, but I love wearing size 8-10 just because they are baggy and comfortable). It’s amazing what a difference that can make.

People are visual creatures, and I am no exception. It’s amazing how much effect being comfortable with one’s curves can be. Few weeks ago, when I first started wearing my own sized clothing, I was surprised by how much lighter, how much more feminine and happy I felt. It’s not like I never used to wear things my own size before, such occasions were usually just reserved for special occasions/some social events. On a regular basis, when I am around friends or at school or just going to movies or something, I would do all I could to hide my feminine shape.

Back to my late understanding of how this is a game. In order for there to be results, there needs to be an experiment first. In order for there to be a reaction, an initial action must set it off. All this time, I could have been an instigator of chaos and orgies of massive scales, yet I stood around passive, friendzoning everyone indiscriminately, even if I had an inkling of attraction towards them. I never spoke out. Even though I didn’t seem like it, I was a veritable ice queen.

First week of school I went clubbing. It’s really not my scene, but a couple of my friends made me go. I was forced to dress “sexy” in mainstream terms. That apparently results in a variety of men approaching me and grinding with me. To be honest, it was a little weird. They have no idea about the inner geek goddess who obsesses over webcomics and quantum thermodynamics, and how much she hates most mainstream culture. It was ironic. I left my usual hipster label behind to join this grand gathering of something that is emblematic of the mainstream of our time. I am not saying all clubbing is mainstream, but this one is particularly known for drawing in a certain sorority/fraternity/people with normal lives crowd. It’s not really my cup of tea, it was odd and somewhat depressing that I would have to whore it all out to get a guy to want to get intimate with me. But that’s not apparently the only way you play the game.

Few days earlier, I was hit on by some random guy at my uni caf. I was sitting by myself reading a book during my free period while everyone else was in class. He decided he wanted to eat with me and kept talking to me about life in my very selective program and the like. I don’t deal too well with random people talking to me and trying to hold my hand, but it was funny on a theoretical level. He was technically a good catch; a recent graduate with a job and all. But I totally wasn’t expecting that and froze up and put up a wall. Ah well.

So these are my findings so far. It has caused me to drop a lot of inhibitions I have had from before. For example, I wouldn’t be half an interested in anyone if they didn’t seem like good  relationship material, but now I am apparently willing to give most decent people a chance, because I am clearly not looking for a relationship right now, I just want an adventure.

The all-pervasive stasis

Ever had that feeling when you feel so comfortable with where you are in life you kind of stop growing? Well, this is where I am now.

It sucks to know that I have sort of become dependent on an identity crutch of sorts and fail to see my life beyond that. I have fallen for the hipness of the student lifestyle even though I am not living it to the full extent I should be, just the idea thereof has me quite mesmerized.

When I started university, I thought I would just go with the flow of things and get involved and participate in wonderful artistic things around me. Most people around me had completely different interests, and more so were non-adventurous and stagnant, unless you count the weekly clubbing trips as novel and adventurous.

I am determined to get the most out of my life right now, the student life, yet somehow I feel it will hold me back from really facing the future one day.

But I know why I have been holding on to this world so dearly. It is, honestly, my only sanctuary. Academics have always been the thing I obsessed about just to hide from the emotional scars that my parents would inflict on me.

My parents themselves have had a shaky relationship. It would be much healthier for all of us, if they divorced, at least I would have known and felt that there was some sense of justice in the world. But they, especially my mom, holds on to dear self-destructing idealism, which has ruined her talents and creativity, and then she blames me for her sorrows, because I left her for university and I don’t want to ever become like her as a person. Don’t get me wrong, she is a smart, intelligent professional woman, with the gifts of human kindness and everything pretty much that makes for a generally pleasant person. I feel like I am writing about a Shakespearean character as I describe her here, but she does have a fatal flaw, and that is she is too much faith and not enough knowledge about human nature. Most of the times, when she does have fights with my father, I do side with her, but it’s only so long that I can put up with dire irrationality. Sure my father may have been a terrible person with extreme apathy for other people’s feelings, but at least he tries to be rational. Abusively rational. I just cannot sympathize with women like my mother, who have seen the freedom of the so-called post-feminist world, yet choose to live in the cave of their misled idealism and self-denial. It makes her no saint in doing so, despite what she would like to believe. She apparently has no problem passing down emotional baggage to me willingly, and then scarring me further by saying I am making her unhappy.

You know what? It’s time she started taking responsibility for her own happiness. I can’t reason with a maniac.

I have told her this many a times, but she is also one of those people who are too comfortable where they are in life. I refuse to be that way.

It’s been only one day since I finished exams. I was happy yesterday, being tipsy with all my classmates not all of whom I am totally familiar with in a big sketchy house downtown. It felt real and natural, and I felt a sense of unity with everyone there, something I have seldom felt about my family. I have had only a half an hour conversation with my two respective parents, and I already feel emotionally drained and I would really rather be writing more exams.

Despite what may come through in this blog, I am utterly optimistic and rational at the same time about where I want to be in life and who I want to be with. It bothers me when smart people such as my mom bring themselves down.

I can see myself, in another 10 years or so, becoming one of those career-obsessed women, but to me that is sort of a pretty awesome place to be at, knowing that I wouldn’t have to stop being progressive in my personality and thoughts. I have had enough stasis in my life as a mere 19 year old.

I sort of sometimes feel that I am at one of the worse situations in life one can be at. I am broke, with few close friendships, a craptacular family dynamic, no boyfriend. The list go on much further. However, in the last year, I have learned to be grateful for what I have and love myself nonetheless. At harsh times like this I am glad this is the way I am. It can only really get better.

In the last week, things have looked up for me.

I got one of those sexy research jobs at my university, which I totally wasn’t expecting to, but some prof saw how giddy I get around experimental apparatus and hired me.

This weekend, I am moving into a house full of random people I have never met, which I am quite excited about.

In conclusion to this academic year, I have learned a few important things or have had reaffirmations about certain things in general.

1. You are responsible for your own happiness.

2. Be nice to everyone around you, but know that nobody is as awesome to have a billion best friends. Stick with those who know and appreciate you best, but don’t get tied down to that circle of friends.

3. Do random crap that put you out of your comfort zone, but be safe.

4. Start conversations with people. It makes you seem almost human.

5. Dress well! It goes a longer way than one would expect.

6. Don’t lie to yourself, it only complicates things further.

7. Live organically and naturalistically rather than a machine programmed to complete tasks.

8. Make use of free will. Nobody can ever make you do anything.

9. Take opportunities to express yourself with art.

10. No matter how crappy things get, life goes on, for better or worse, but usually better.

I promised myself last November that I would reemerge as a better stronger person in the spring, and I think I have gone beyond the standards I set for myself. Heck, I am even ready for a relationship? Or casual dating, though that’s really not my thing. I mean, I feel much more social and less critical of every idiot boy out there. It’s just something that the change of seasons do to me, and I guess I might as well take advantage of it. Although I wouldn’t beat myself up about if I don’t get even a date this summer. There is much to rejoice about still due to the silent revolution that is ongoing inside of me.

The current dating diaspora

Many of you would be surprised to hear this, but the large majority of my friends, whether male or female, have never had boyfriends/girlfriends.

My friends have mostly been overachievers in whatever field they belong in, and pretty much nobody dates, or thinks about such things much.

It is not until I reached university that I actually felt the need to really date, because a larger concentration of people had been in relationships and for once I felt below average, but really, the average person in my program of study or among any of the diverse range of people I hang out with, have ever had a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

Perhaps we are going to be a bunch of really late bloomers in the relationship field?

I feel like a freak that I have actually jumped on to the online dating bandwagon. The guy I mentioned a couple of posts ago, is still talking to me. I like the conversations we have, and he said he enjoys them himself as well. I once asked him honestly where this was going and he said he just wanted to take things slow as he is a busy person and had once made a mistake by rushing into the online dating thing too quickly and it didn’t work out. I respect this totally. While I am not completely swept off the floor by him, it could work. I will give it more time and patience, just because I am really nice like that. lol

One thing that bothers me though, is the guy is taking a break from university or rather has put his studies on hold while he and his friend try to start up their business. I mean that is fine and dandy, I don’t mean to be an elitist bitch, but it’s just hard for me to imagine myself with someone who is less of an intellectual than I am. While the guy isn’t hopeless at all, initially he came of as the type of person that doesn’t care about matters of the mind. Yet, at times, he continues to surprise me, with his interest in obscure fantasy novels, Discovery channel and video games. There is however another unsettling component to him. He apparently doesn’t really have a group of friends, rather knows people individually. He thinks it’s the best way to interact with people. While I agree, part of me is afraid that he is one of those social outcasts that plays online multiplayer games and does not actually get out to enjoy life. But I probably should not make such judgements but I had to put down my concerns anyway, in case some of you notice any red flags go up.

Online Dating: Should I or should I not?

I got thinking about this recently.

It would be an understatement to say I am afraid of the internet.

Just the number of things that could go wrong scare me and make me really really paranoid. I’d rather pick up a guy in a bar. At least I would have met him physically, and I now know that I have the balls to do that. But nobody will be wingman. Everyone around me is a serious prude.

Seriously though, I have been getting increasingly lonely. I haven’t been on a real date for gosh knows how long.

Yet at the same time, I don’t feel peer pressured to date. The large majority of my friends are not dating. They don’t seem to be in a rush. Neither am I, but I just feel there could be someone out there who I wouldn’t mind killing some time with.

Perhaps I am not seeing my priorities right.

Then again, I could just make a profile and let the guys pursue me.

It would be like an experiment. I probably won’t act on it. I am too webshy for that. But if I really like someone on it, I might just change my mind. I don’t know.

What could go wrong really?

I would hate my friends to find out. More than anything else. Yeah that’s my fear really.

Or if someone in my class or day to day life is on the dating site, things might get seriously awkward.

I just hope I don’t stumble across someone I know. That would be very very bad.

Previously, I thought I would only try online dating if I was at another city for sometime, and didn’t have many friends and needed someone to kill time with.

But I am really looking for someone to connect with. I seem to have this excess energy.

Then again, there is the monetary aspect of online dating. I am not gonna bother trying a free site because that’s just sketchy, but there is no way in hell I am paying for this at this point in my life.

Anyone got any ideas as to what I should do?

My gut says go for it, but my mind says no.