A haircut and some self-actualization

After I started that interesting journey of online dating, I discovered a couple of things, and after a haircut, these things were further realized.

Last week when I wrote, I said that I didn’t discuss matters related to my name or stuff with the guys I talked to from that online dating site. I did not lie about who I was but I did lie about my name. I did not really have a choice. If according to Facebook there are 3 people in the whole wide world with my name, all living in different corners of the globe, it is pretty darn easy to track me down. While my profile is set to private and all, a simple google search can return a lot of things about me, …academically related nonetheless, but I seem to have some kind of problem with such prying. So I don’t know if this excuse is good enough, but I lied to them about my name. Every single one of them.

So today while I was talking to one of them, he suggested we go for coffee. I was retarded enough to say yes and gave him my dorm phone number, which I think is much safer in this case for protection of privacy. Here’s where the problem comes in though. I find this other guy I have talked to way more attractive and compatible than him and I have no clue why I am leading him on like this. And now he has my phone number and the promise of a date. What the fuck is wrong with me? I can’t do this.

Sometime last week I quickly shook off all the feelings I had about the guy I mentioned in my last post. Without actually meeting someone in person, I can’t begin to feel that we have a connection. It just does not work that way for me. Since then, other guys have approached me who were as “desirable” as the guy before, yet my hormones or whatever, stopped reacting to any of them, and I realized, I wasn’t taking this seriously at all. Maybe the time hasn’t come yet where I take online dating seriously. To be honest, from the beginning, it had been nothing but a purely intellectual experiment.

I am tired of women trying to be a certain way to attract men. I was ashamed to look at myself and see that I was doing the same sometimes, not to the degree that most other women do, yet in a way I do it in a way in which I am never completely satisfied with myself, and always feel I have to measure up to the likes of models to be in the appropriate league. I decided to myself, the hell with it all, I will free myself from this desire of wanting to be in a relationship because I feel like I am so close to one and desperately seek and need one (even though in person you wouldn’t know that).

I went to an expensive salon, and got my hair cut the shortest it has been in the last 10 years.

No it wasn’t a buzz cut. It’s like feminine short hair.

The reason that I feel that it would free me from yearning to be in a relationship is that it was a metaphoric shedding of everything feminine I have tried to conform to since I was a little girl. Freud would say it was my way of becoming a woman and potentially trying to attract a man. All these years I have done different things with my shoulder length or longer hair to define myself, perhaps somewhere in the back of my head, with the hope that it attracts someone to me that way. Now with my hair cut short, I feel this burden of femininity has been lifted from me, and I am free to exist for who I am and I have nobody to impress but myself. I am no more the girl that can just indulge in random experimentation without any emotional contact. I am sick of treating my heart this way. Sure, I am a human being with my carnal needs, but I will only satisfy them in the right conditions. No, I don’t mean I am saving myself for marriage, just that I won’t give it all away to some random guy.

Right now, I like myself a lot. More than I have done even in the last few months, when I was feeling very positive about myself. People have complimented me hugely after my haircut. An instructor actually stopped in the middle of the lesson and announced it to the class when she saw me. That was highly awkward, but just goes to say how much of a difference it has made.

I don’t think most guys “dig” girls with short hair though, so it’s like, hey it’s cool, you’re not into me, we can just get to know each other as people, not as friends with benefits or anything like that. If it develops into something more, that’s great, if not, that’s okay too.

I came to accept the fact that throughout all my life, I have struggled with femininity. When I was young, I used to assert I was a boy, and was basically very androgynous, if not a boy living in a girl’s body. In time, I accepted my femaleness, yet I could never be like the other girls, that would be just betraying myself. My efforts to be accepted as feminine would be characterized by my hair, which was kept at least shoulder length while my behaviour remained and still is largely androgynous.

I just don’t care anymore. I will not try to be all pseudo-girly and try to get the boys. Not many boys like short hair. That’s okay. I like it. And for now that’s all that matters.

Interaction with fellow females, and my ideals of femininity

As a child, I didn’t have clear ideas about how exactly boys and girls are different (other than how they are different physically). I refused to accept the notion that there are different types of activities that males and females are somewhat expected to perform, and I did whatever I pleased regardless of gender norms. This might not sound like much of a big deal, but it has affected the way I think and act to this day.

I was kind of a tomboy. I didn’t like wearing dresses, or any sort of feminine clothing, I hated the colour pink (I still do) and was more interested in running around outdoors climbing trees and getting dirty than playing with Barbie dolls. I did enjoy some games of a domestic nature, but only in rare occasions.

As I was growing up, it was difficult for me to relate to girls. It still is. I am used to having a lot of guy friends and just being “one of the guys”. In the last few years, I have finally gained my share of female friends. I have one particular female friend, let’s call her Lucy, who is very similar to me in the ways of being a tomboy, and certain philosophies in life, but quite different in our ideals of femininity, and doesn’t approve of my adventurous nature (which often calls for breaking a few rules).

For whatever reason, females of all sorts like to confide things in me. I pride myself in being an okay listener and keeper of secrets, but sometimes I find myself extremely frustrated with fellow females, and their overly emotional way of thinking. Everyone knows that mentally men and women are wired a bit differently. I try my best to be empathetic to feminine concerns which I don’t share, and even try to see the reason in something I deem to be completely illogical, but most of the time, I find that my thinking is completely different from the usual female thinking.

My sense of feminine style is very fluid in nature. Some days, I enjoy being a complete slob. On other days, I like to wear nice dress shirts or things with a little cleavage. Whenever I try to be fluid with my style though, people are a little freaked out. It amuses me much because most are not able to understand the diversity in my nature. Lucy, in particular, objects whenever I dress feminine. It saddens me sometimes because she is such a close friend but most of the time, it’s just really fun teasing her.

Most young girls have “idols” so to speak, who they like to emulate in certain ways. I grew up without one, unless you count Marie Curie or Anne Frank as such. But in terms of style, I never followed anyone. In the last few years however, I have come to appreciate the ideals of femininity of other women, who are not necessarily like me at all. These include Grace Slick (from Jefferson Airplane), Patti Smith and Bjork. I have been a fan of what is often termed as “counterculture” in the ’60s and the ’70s. I really wish I was around in that time. I am a huge fan of original punk and in a lot of ways, the philosophy affects the way I live and think. Grace Slick is such a pretty and smart woman and is completely feminine. I can relate to Patti Smith well because of that part of me that thrives on the fluidity of gender roles. Bjork, is just delightfully novel and weird, and I really like her music.

My ideals of femininity however, are greater than the sum of these people and what they represent. I am still growing up and I am not sure I have reached the goal in terms of being the person I ultimately want to be. But it helps looking at other women, and seeing what they are like. I have come a long way from being just a tomboy, but I don’t plan on being completely effeminate ever. I’d hate to turn into one of those female emotional wrecks who can’t think straight that come to me for advise (What do I look like? A great wise old woman?).

That’s all for today. My thoughts have been weirdly muddled up while blogging so once again excuse the lack of cohesion.

I shall leave you with some stuff that is currently inspiring my femininity: