Some things I have never discussed aloud

In the midst of drifting between wanting a relationship and being single, I have avoided admittimg certain things to myself. I kept it all to myself as I was growing up, and it set me apart from girls my age.

Apparently little girls dream of their big day, about some prince charming who will wisk them away. Not I…I fantasized about being a nun.

It’s important to say that I never harboured much spiritual beliefs in me. I was attracted to the lifestyle of nuns and monks, living often in close quarters, but devoted to something else, and spending much time alone. I romanticized the notion, of living in harmony with the world while being alone when you go to sleep. There is a sense of community nonetheless.

I don’t know why this sort of lifestyle is often tabooed to an extent in our society. Why can’t I lead the same sort of life outside a convent and not be considered some sort of a freak?

My closeted monastic desires come to life whenever I feel I am getting to wrapped up in human drama. Part of me that stands away from relationships is the part that believes being with one person will take away my solemn harmony with the world.

I had kept this part to my self for a very long time, thinking people will think I am some sort of whacko. I definitely haven’t been particularly chaste, or poor in spirit in my short life, but I seek purity on a level that most people find impractical for day to day life. I can’t be with anyone who can’t share the vision of sharing my heart and mind figuratively with the whole world, and who discriminates against other human beings and animals to fend for oneself and his chosen family. To an extent I hate the concept of a family, because it seems fake on many levels, quite very limiting. When I got my around the head the personal need for sexual activity, the idea of Free Love really appealed to me.

I know I’m pretty messed up.

I live with these fucked up dichotomies. On one hand I’d like a relationship, but I don’t like how it takes me away from the entire world. I would eventually like my own family, but I don’t like the thought of being Machiavellian to save myself and my family. I don’t like the idea of not caring about anything outside of myself, but I continue to keep telling myself and others to take responsibility for their own happiness, and that I can’t do anything about myself. I am distraught between giving myself totally to one person, and turning my back on the whole world.

Till this Girl who got bored was about 15 or 16, her idea of a life consisted of moving from one place to place, learning about different things, living with people of random cultures, and not quite having a permanent home. It would be my own kind of monastic living, because apparently you can’t have a relationship like that.

I fucking hate the thought of settling down, cause to me it resembles a lack of further growth.

Every time I have had missed opportunities with guys, I didn’t really beat myself up about it until others told me that’s what I was supposed to do. Part of me always knew to be totally in love, I can’t be anything other than alone.

There was a whole paradigmatic shift once I entered university, where everyone is planning for a future life, a future home with a future spouse of some sort. I found the notion foreign and unsettling.

I guess I was peer pressured into wanting a relationship.

This summer, while bonding with existing friends, I continue to live on in my head.

All this time, when I was talking about how it’s awesome being alone and doing things, I just was channeling this part of me in other ways.

I don’t know what I’m gonna end up being in the future, but nothing really scares me anymore you know?

I just couldn’t care less. I’m happy to be breathing this air with the rest of planet.

The changing of the seasons

We have progressed well into fall. Fall has always connoted getting back to the roots of who I am, and it is especially a sensitive period for me inside, but no one has seen that vulnerability in me in this time of the year. Ever. I am a fall child, and this is the time for me to get back to my roots. Every year when my birthday comes up in November, I like to spend a good quantity of time alone, reflecting, and eventually by the new year, I grow into something completely new and different. It is a time for both decay and growth, but most importantly self-actualization.

Every year around this time, I feel sombre, if not completely depressed. Underneath all my quirky interests, random adventures, desire to overcome my present situation, there is a soul deeply affected and bored by its disposition in life. It is once again, I come to terms with what exactly I am. I am bored with my life. I remain unfulfilled.

Fulfillment for me is so much more than a relationship or the sum of the relationships and friendships I have had. It is a growth in my soul that does not depend on good will or help of another. It’s creative growth.
Creative bonding with others of a similar mindset, that is more than friendships, but could develop into very deep friendships. It can take the form of a mentor and student relationship. Whatever the format, I have found such settings, in their informal form, the most involving and fulfilling.

When I was younger, I was involved in the arts and theatre. Thus far, that has been the most fulfilling time of my life. Now, I don’t have the time to get involved in such things, and in the program I am in, there seems to excitement about such endeavours. I envy people involved in the arts, but I am sure at one point, it gets boring for them as well.

My mother had always told me that I should find interests that occupy my time because that would be what gets me through the day when I am old or when I am lonely. At other times, she has told me to surround myself with people,  so that I don’t get lonely. To me, these things are kind of contradictory, yet I try to do both simultaneously, and it does nothing for me.

May be I should get back on those prescribed anti-depressants that I have pretended don’t exist, because I am better than that. I don’t have depression, that’s what I told myself.

Then I think, if I can’t incorporate the arts into my life, perhaps, I could live vicariously through someone else who is. No one as such comes to mind anymore. I had the pleasure of knowing many, but since then they have moved to different places and I’ve lost touch with them.

I’m lonely and bored, that is all there is to it.

I am not happy with stability. I want an adventure. Is that too much to ask?

May be I should just move to another country. This stasis is paralyzing.

Will I just end up being lonely forever?

I am just going off on random tangents now. There we go. That’s all for today.