Online Dating and Polyamory: questions questions and more questions

From the last dating website I have tried last, it occurred to me, monogamy is definitely not ensured when dating online.

I mean, I am definitely not a huge devotee of the institution of marriage, the traditional ideas about courtship and chivalry, but I am also not willing to share my lover with 5 other people.

Note though, I am not sure if this is what is happening. I am just commenting on some generalities.

I mean yes, I have never ever been in a real relationship, does that mean I shouldn’t have basic expectations of what I can hope for in a prospective relationship?

How long do I have play the dating game till I am sure a guy is committed to me and no one else, or that he is not into me romantically but still willing to be friends (i.e. friendzoned)?

A while ago Ecrivain mentioned going out with Scientist guy who seemed to have seen someone else before calling her back. I am wondering if the conventional forms of dating that goes on in the real world still apply in the online dating world. I would like to think it does, but that wouldn’t make it true.

Here you have a collection of people that are all single on a website for the specific purpose of dating, how do you know they are all not going to try to play the field? Are you willing to let that happen to you?

I am not against casual dating, but I am speaking specifically of a time frame. How long does one have to date “casually” before you know you have no chance of a romance with a person?

Now to address the main concern of the post, how does one deal with polyamory? I know a lot of my readers and fellow bloggers are in the same boat as me in terms of relationships or lack thereof. But in order to be in one, are you willing to be polyamorous? I am just curious. I have nothing against polyamory. I am just trying to learn how to avoid that for myself, since it is something I have found not suitable for me.

I hate how I am still a noob when it comes to dating. Normal dating is okay, cause the person already knows you from a natural context in the real world. But with online dating, you construct your own fucking reality and your own understanding of self is put up there. Of course, a lot of people meet the better candidates for a relationship online due to that very fact, but I am not sure how to make my quirks come through in a profile and I am beginning to think it is something I never should have done to begin with. Seriously, I am like begging for advice here. Everyone. Including that girl who apparently has this blog’s link on her online dating profile (who isn’t me by the way).

So to wrap up the story. I met someone online. I went on a date. It was so fucking formal and chivalrous I got very freaked out. I tried my best to give him hints that this ain’t happening, but alas no cigar. I was apparently needy enough to make out with a guy I wasn’t even mildly into and it progressed just a bit further. I felt pangs of guilt for the days after it. Such is life. I made a mistake and yet I didn’t learn from it. Because right after that, I met more casual daters, which drowned me in a sea of confusion in terms of why the hell is he asking for another date if he isn’t into me romantically? I know people find good friends too, but fuck I am confuzzled. PLEASE HELP. Hell email me, at girlwhogotbored@gmail.com. I am talking to everyone on here. Fellow bloggers, readers, lurkers, everyone.

Lastly, I really liked Ecrivain’s story about meeting up with a fellow blogger. I sometimes wonder what you guys are like in your real life, since I never get to communicate with you in other ways than this. So anyone who is willing to chat online also send me an email at girlwhogotbored@gmail.com. I’d love to know more about all of you. You know the statistics about “involuntary celibacy” of women are out there. I’d just like to find more of you that blend in with the apparently sexually active world, but are not sexually active themselves. In addition to that, any interested readers can talk to me too

Oh and a final shout out goes to the people making “How to lose your virginity“. It should be an awesome investigation into the very elusive idea of virginity and how it affects our society, our relationships and our views on people of different sexualities.  I highly recommend you check out the website (where you can find a First Person thingie about my own virginity). Also, I encourage your donations for their efforts.

That’s all folks! Hope to hear from you soon. It is back to the grind for me in Toronto.

She’s just not that into you…

Like many bored single/non-single people, I checked my old profile on a free dating site one day, and I was contacted by someone who was really similar to me. After talking for a few weeks, we decided to meet.

This was the first time I ever did this. I am not a believer in online dating, and I should have stuck to that policy, but seeing the guy was so much like me, I decided to give it a shot.

Before I even met the guy, I felt like I actually WANTED to be stood up. I had no reason for this desire, other than my own nervousness, but in retrospect, I wasn’t wrong.

Call me obnoxious and shallow, but definition in the man boob region and tire-like formations around your waist, even if you have an otherwise muscular structure, does not qualify as “thin”. I did see this guy’s pics before, he is the fat kind that can hide it sort of well.

Apart from the superficial, I am uncomfortable around people who are turned on that quick. I am not something to be looked at for the sake of it.

During the date, I tried to hard dissuade his interest by saying all sorts of crazy shit, bringing up unorthodox topics and totally unleashing the bitch. Then I noticed he got a boner. Really. Not. Necessary. In. My. Life. I avoided eye contact and seemed bored. Nothing seemed to be able to thwart him.

This guy is the type a lot will find attractive, but apparently I have strange standards, and I was progressively more turned off, while he become progressively more turned on.

I think this, coupled with my past experiences with losing interest really soon, calls for a new paradigm of “She’s just not that into you”. Women need a better guide to showing disinterest in suitors. Common knowledge would dictate that women’s signals are too complicated to be deciphered correctly, however it is probably the case that men will misconstrue anything they see to a come hither signal.

Thoughts?

Virgin fetish? Honestly?

I’m almost about to lose my virginity here. Let’s pray that I don’t.

Guy I met online, but haven’t met in real life wants to pop my cherry and teach me details about carnal knowledge almost in a style a la Virgin School. No he is not an old fart, he is actually sort of my ideal man, kind of really into casual sex. I hate my luck.

He is damn well-educated smarty pants, clean-cut yet quirky type of guy, let’s call him Ideal man just to be ironic. He has his romantic ideas, but he is focusing on getting into my pants, stat. He likes that I am a poor tomboyish virgin.

I mean, I am flattered that I am desired, I just wish it manifested itself in a different form.

Sex is really important to this guy, he let me know that, but he had this intrigue and the ability to hold a real conversation that kept me interested. I feel stupid saying this now, but I thought he would have a change of heart and take the relationships route.

Sometimes, I just sit and wonder. Why do I attract these types? I am a very demure person and don’t shove my sexuality down other people’s face. I am modest and friendly. When did that become a fetish?

I just want someone who understands the lack of sexual experience in me but doesn’t seek to change it so that I become a megaslut. I don’t understand why people are so into sex sometimes if they don’t seek a real relationship with the person. I mean I always have my right hand.

I don’t know why I keep doing this…

I signed up for online dating, again.

Last time, I sort of pulled a disappearing act, because I was stressed and afraid for a variety of reasons.

I didn’t have my picture up, because I am still weirdly afraid afraid of having other people I know on the site. I do have a large close-knit set of people I know. It would be particularly awkward if things got out…

Within the day of signing up, 3 guys found me, they were the types I wouldn’t mind dating if I met them in the real world. That’s where I would like to leave it at now. I am far too busy and engaged in the real world to even take this shit seriously anymore. I guess it feels good feel “desired” in some way. Hah.

I have noticed, if I get my day’s worth of social noticeability, I don’t feel lonely or frustrated anymore.

This entire summer, because I was busy as fuck with work and social life, I never really thought about my lack of a love life much.

Sometimes I think my entire way of looking at the world is pretty messed up. It stems from childhood things I don’t even remember. Speaking of childhood, I should mention that a guy that I am still friends with and I used explore each other’s bodies when we were 5 or 6. I wonder if he remembers. We get along awesomely without awkwardness.

In other news, I have been featured as a first person on the blog for the upcoming documentary film American Virgin by Trixie Films. It can be found here. Please do note that Reva is not my real name.

That is all for today.

Also, question, have any of you guys, I realize there is only like 5 of you reading this blog, noticed a change in the way in my tone and perspective?

UPDATE: Shit, fuck, damn. Soon after I finished writing this post, I got a message from one of the guys I have been talking to. Let’s call him….the matrix (no particular reason why). He once asked me if I am comfortable speaking about sex, and I was like yeah sure, okay. Now everything seems to be going in that direction. Fuck, why do these sexually experienced people talk to me. I’d rather them find me on the street and see what sort of a timid person I am, and forget about it. Okay, I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore.

The current dating diaspora

Many of you would be surprised to hear this, but the large majority of my friends, whether male or female, have never had boyfriends/girlfriends.

My friends have mostly been overachievers in whatever field they belong in, and pretty much nobody dates, or thinks about such things much.

It is not until I reached university that I actually felt the need to really date, because a larger concentration of people had been in relationships and for once I felt below average, but really, the average person in my program of study or among any of the diverse range of people I hang out with, have ever had a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

Perhaps we are going to be a bunch of really late bloomers in the relationship field?

I feel like a freak that I have actually jumped on to the online dating bandwagon. The guy I mentioned a couple of posts ago, is still talking to me. I like the conversations we have, and he said he enjoys them himself as well. I once asked him honestly where this was going and he said he just wanted to take things slow as he is a busy person and had once made a mistake by rushing into the online dating thing too quickly and it didn’t work out. I respect this totally. While I am not completely swept off the floor by him, it could work. I will give it more time and patience, just because I am really nice like that. lol

One thing that bothers me though, is the guy is taking a break from university or rather has put his studies on hold while he and his friend try to start up their business. I mean that is fine and dandy, I don’t mean to be an elitist bitch, but it’s just hard for me to imagine myself with someone who is less of an intellectual than I am. While the guy isn’t hopeless at all, initially he came of as the type of person that doesn’t care about matters of the mind. Yet, at times, he continues to surprise me, with his interest in obscure fantasy novels, Discovery channel and video games. There is however another unsettling component to him. He apparently doesn’t really have a group of friends, rather knows people individually. He thinks it’s the best way to interact with people. While I agree, part of me is afraid that he is one of those social outcasts that plays online multiplayer games and does not actually get out to enjoy life. But I probably should not make such judgements but I had to put down my concerns anyway, in case some of you notice any red flags go up.

A haircut and some self-actualization

After I started that interesting journey of online dating, I discovered a couple of things, and after a haircut, these things were further realized.

Last week when I wrote, I said that I didn’t discuss matters related to my name or stuff with the guys I talked to from that online dating site. I did not lie about who I was but I did lie about my name. I did not really have a choice. If according to Facebook there are 3 people in the whole wide world with my name, all living in different corners of the globe, it is pretty darn easy to track me down. While my profile is set to private and all, a simple google search can return a lot of things about me, …academically related nonetheless, but I seem to have some kind of problem with such prying. So I don’t know if this excuse is good enough, but I lied to them about my name. Every single one of them.

So today while I was talking to one of them, he suggested we go for coffee. I was retarded enough to say yes and gave him my dorm phone number, which I think is much safer in this case for protection of privacy. Here’s where the problem comes in though. I find this other guy I have talked to way more attractive and compatible than him and I have no clue why I am leading him on like this. And now he has my phone number and the promise of a date. What the fuck is wrong with me? I can’t do this.

Sometime last week I quickly shook off all the feelings I had about the guy I mentioned in my last post. Without actually meeting someone in person, I can’t begin to feel that we have a connection. It just does not work that way for me. Since then, other guys have approached me who were as “desirable” as the guy before, yet my hormones or whatever, stopped reacting to any of them, and I realized, I wasn’t taking this seriously at all. Maybe the time hasn’t come yet where I take online dating seriously. To be honest, from the beginning, it had been nothing but a purely intellectual experiment.

I am tired of women trying to be a certain way to attract men. I was ashamed to look at myself and see that I was doing the same sometimes, not to the degree that most other women do, yet in a way I do it in a way in which I am never completely satisfied with myself, and always feel I have to measure up to the likes of models to be in the appropriate league. I decided to myself, the hell with it all, I will free myself from this desire of wanting to be in a relationship because I feel like I am so close to one and desperately seek and need one (even though in person you wouldn’t know that).

I went to an expensive salon, and got my hair cut the shortest it has been in the last 10 years.

No it wasn’t a buzz cut. It’s like feminine short hair.

The reason that I feel that it would free me from yearning to be in a relationship is that it was a metaphoric shedding of everything feminine I have tried to conform to since I was a little girl. Freud would say it was my way of becoming a woman and potentially trying to attract a man. All these years I have done different things with my shoulder length or longer hair to define myself, perhaps somewhere in the back of my head, with the hope that it attracts someone to me that way. Now with my hair cut short, I feel this burden of femininity has been lifted from me, and I am free to exist for who I am and I have nobody to impress but myself. I am no more the girl that can just indulge in random experimentation without any emotional contact. I am sick of treating my heart this way. Sure, I am a human being with my carnal needs, but I will only satisfy them in the right conditions. No, I don’t mean I am saving myself for marriage, just that I won’t give it all away to some random guy.

Right now, I like myself a lot. More than I have done even in the last few months, when I was feeling very positive about myself. People have complimented me hugely after my haircut. An instructor actually stopped in the middle of the lesson and announced it to the class when she saw me. That was highly awkward, but just goes to say how much of a difference it has made.

I don’t think most guys “dig” girls with short hair though, so it’s like, hey it’s cool, you’re not into me, we can just get to know each other as people, not as friends with benefits or anything like that. If it develops into something more, that’s great, if not, that’s okay too.

I came to accept the fact that throughout all my life, I have struggled with femininity. When I was young, I used to assert I was a boy, and was basically very androgynous, if not a boy living in a girl’s body. In time, I accepted my femaleness, yet I could never be like the other girls, that would be just betraying myself. My efforts to be accepted as feminine would be characterized by my hair, which was kept at least shoulder length while my behaviour remained and still is largely androgynous.

I just don’t care anymore. I will not try to be all pseudo-girly and try to get the boys. Not many boys like short hair. That’s okay. I like it. And for now that’s all that matters.

A bout of enthusiasm and hope at midnight

I just really have to write this down before I hit the hay.

So I have been talking to this guy from the dating site for 2 days. A tad early to get this excited? Hell yes. Even a cynic like me would say that. But hey, I am allowed to express myself.

I think I would really like to go on a date with him. It has already been suggested and stuff, but he insists I finish my midterms (and strangely takes a lot of interest in my academics).

He is really cute, and I would expect a guy like him to have a real group of friends. But apparently he doesn’t, he just knows random people and doesn’t really have a social circle. I am cool with that and honestly, it makes things easier for paranoid old me, because there is less of a chance that he knows any of my friends or his friends do.

His secularism, and seeing people as people rather than what culture they come from are huge pluses. However, the negatives are that he doesn’t seem very spirited about many things, but I can’t really judge that since I have only been talking to him on MSN. That’s okay though, since I am not a bubble of energy myself, and really hyper people scare me.

I really hope I don’t jinx this thing. I hope I at least get to a first date. Everything seems to be pointing that way, but geesh I would like some certainty sometimes.

Wish me luck and good karma!

:D:D

His ethnicity is also rather interesting even though he isn’t like enthusiastic about it. He is a third generation Canadian of Ashkenazi Jewish origin. I am not sure if I should say this, but that sounds quite sexy.

While this is the primary train of thought in my head now, there are other things that concern me as well.

I am retarded when it comes to stupid dating rules. I guess if I treat the online dating rules as an extension of dating rules in real life, then I am really stupid. Take for example, the notion that let the guys do all the chasing, and girls just stay put and look pretty. I am not a fan of that. If I am interested in someone, I give really subtle clues away, and the first time I added him on MSN, I started the conversation. In other occasions, I have pursued guys in real life, and I am not into just being the aloof lady who just waits on the men to do all the asking and what not. I just feel dating rules are stupid and cause further confusion.

That being said, I haven’t been on a first date since about 8 months now. So I am rusty. I don’t know what to say. I just want to be myself and calm and what not. But then I was stupid enough to start thinking about dating rules and now I am all confused. My hormones should just shut the fuck up.

For the love of crows.

Anywho, enough ranting. Goodnight now.

So I did it…

Just because I could, I signed up for an online dating service.

It was pretty random, I am not expecting much from it. It’s just going to be like any other social networking site for me, except I am not gonna know the people, and overall I am going to have a passive approach to the whole thing. I like how it allows me to look at guys without getting emotionally attached to them and if there is no mutual interest, it’s not too bad.

At first, I was brave enough to put my picture up, but then I got unwanted interest from older guys. I politely said they were too old for me, but some kept insisting, and this one messaged me his address and told me to drop by anytime for sex…not exactly what I was looking for.

I removed my picture.

After having done that, I find the type of guys that approached me or returned interest in me were more my type and not creepy and much older looking to get laid.

I haven’t talked to anyone that I am totally looking forward to meeting and I don’t expect to. There has been about two guys I share many interests with. One I thought was way out of my league, but I approached him anyway and responded positively and even asked me to come to this event with me. I couldn’t go, but we still talked and seem to get along just fine.

I haven’t told anyone my real name yet, or we just haven’t discussed that topic about names. This might not seem like a big deal but trust me it is. That’s because only 3 people (including myself) have my name on Facebook, and there is not a single soul in the United Kingdom (I found this through www.yournotme.com) that has my name. So if I were to tell them my name, it would be pretty easy for them to find out stuff about me. While I have been told that I have a unique and sexy name, it’s time like this I wish I had a more common name like Julia or Mary or Catherine.

I’m still not sure how to take the issue of my friends finding out. However, since it is not time yet to deal with that, I have just put it in the back of my head. When the time comes to deal with it, if the time comes for me to deal with it (i.e. I found someone online and have to tell my friends), I will see what I will do.

Wish me luck!

Postscript: I just found a pattern in all the men I have liked in real life. They are Caucasian males from very small towns that are in grad school. Weird huh?

Online Dating: Should I or should I not?

I got thinking about this recently.

It would be an understatement to say I am afraid of the internet.

Just the number of things that could go wrong scare me and make me really really paranoid. I’d rather pick up a guy in a bar. At least I would have met him physically, and I now know that I have the balls to do that. But nobody will be wingman. Everyone around me is a serious prude.

Seriously though, I have been getting increasingly lonely. I haven’t been on a real date for gosh knows how long.

Yet at the same time, I don’t feel peer pressured to date. The large majority of my friends are not dating. They don’t seem to be in a rush. Neither am I, but I just feel there could be someone out there who I wouldn’t mind killing some time with.

Perhaps I am not seeing my priorities right.

Then again, I could just make a profile and let the guys pursue me.

It would be like an experiment. I probably won’t act on it. I am too webshy for that. But if I really like someone on it, I might just change my mind. I don’t know.

What could go wrong really?

I would hate my friends to find out. More than anything else. Yeah that’s my fear really.

Or if someone in my class or day to day life is on the dating site, things might get seriously awkward.

I just hope I don’t stumble across someone I know. That would be very very bad.

Previously, I thought I would only try online dating if I was at another city for sometime, and didn’t have many friends and needed someone to kill time with.

But I am really looking for someone to connect with. I seem to have this excess energy.

Then again, there is the monetary aspect of online dating. I am not gonna bother trying a free site because that’s just sketchy, but there is no way in hell I am paying for this at this point in my life.

Anyone got any ideas as to what I should do?

My gut says go for it, but my mind says no.