Emancipation

There are those of us who pass our days by as we yearn for someone to make our lives that much special, sulking over each passed opportunity whether in our career, education or personal lives, even to the point where we wish to become someone else. From time to time, I have fallen into this mode of thinking, and much of it is reflected on my previous entries, but now I am emancipated.

I am emancipated from the anxiety over the fact that I do not conform to the ideal of having had a relationship by the age of 19.

I am emancipated from the thought that I have to act and be a certain way to be liked by boys.

I am emancipated from petty crushes that may or may not develop into something special.

I have come to the point where I will not overanalyze all the things that contribute to my state of being but accept it happily. I am unique, and there needs to be no justification for that.

I will not think of my state as boredom because people my age apparently have so much excitement in their lives while I spend my time pursuing academics and my own interests. I don’t need to be defined by what other people do.

I will live to bask in the glory of my unique existence, open to the possibility of someone special turning up any moment, but I will not yearn for it. I am enough of a wonder to myself to keep myself entertained and amused.

I will not fool myself into the thought of being enamoured with someone, when it is for the wrong reasons and hope that something flourishes just because I could use a relationship. If I am not non-superficially interested in someone, I will not beat myself up over what could be and what should be. I am not looking to just date. I want to love and be love. And I have so much of it, it can’t be shared with just anyone. I have come to understand that I don’t really even start to like people in that way without knowing them enough.

I’ll let the natural flow of life take over while I am once again finding myself amongst the wonder of things, satiating my curiosity. After all, knowledge will always be my first love.

There is much more in me and the world around me to cry over not ever having been in relationships. I am a fucking awesome person in myself, even an alpha female of sorts, I don’t need to take crap from society’s conventions. All I can do is revolutionize them. And fuck yeah, it’s all in my hands!

I know, through all statistical probability, I will find someone in life. And guess what? He will be just as special as I am, with an enriched internal world. In the meanwhile, I can only take care of my mind and soul.

I am no believer of prophecies, or any kind of spiritual stuff and not even religious but I know I have reason to be hopeful. Everyone does.

Today a great friend of mine told me she has noticed my positively changing nature in the past few years. Without me saying anything, she told me that I am apparently going to get a boyfriend soon.

But all this emancipation business occurred before that. So I will just accept whatever she says.

Now wish me luck for my term exams!! I sure will need it.

Also, to my fellow bloggers, I am personally often affected by the things you write. I feel, perhaps foolishly, that I could spread some good karma to your lives and I want to see and be inspired by changes that happen in our lives. Nothing is constant. Change is inevitable, and for some of us, most of us actually, things are surely headed for the better. I am not a cheerleader for optimism, but statistically speaking, things are in our favour. Trust me

The changing of the seasons

We have progressed well into fall. Fall has always connoted getting back to the roots of who I am, and it is especially a sensitive period for me inside, but no one has seen that vulnerability in me in this time of the year. Ever. I am a fall child, and this is the time for me to get back to my roots. Every year when my birthday comes up in November, I like to spend a good quantity of time alone, reflecting, and eventually by the new year, I grow into something completely new and different. It is a time for both decay and growth, but most importantly self-actualization.

Every year around this time, I feel sombre, if not completely depressed. Underneath all my quirky interests, random adventures, desire to overcome my present situation, there is a soul deeply affected and bored by its disposition in life. It is once again, I come to terms with what exactly I am. I am bored with my life. I remain unfulfilled.

Fulfillment for me is so much more than a relationship or the sum of the relationships and friendships I have had. It is a growth in my soul that does not depend on good will or help of another. It’s creative growth.
Creative bonding with others of a similar mindset, that is more than friendships, but could develop into very deep friendships. It can take the form of a mentor and student relationship. Whatever the format, I have found such settings, in their informal form, the most involving and fulfilling.

When I was younger, I was involved in the arts and theatre. Thus far, that has been the most fulfilling time of my life. Now, I don’t have the time to get involved in such things, and in the program I am in, there seems to excitement about such endeavours. I envy people involved in the arts, but I am sure at one point, it gets boring for them as well.

My mother had always told me that I should find interests that occupy my time because that would be what gets me through the day when I am old or when I am lonely. At other times, she has told me to surround myself with people,  so that I don’t get lonely. To me, these things are kind of contradictory, yet I try to do both simultaneously, and it does nothing for me.

May be I should get back on those prescribed anti-depressants that I have pretended don’t exist, because I am better than that. I don’t have depression, that’s what I told myself.

Then I think, if I can’t incorporate the arts into my life, perhaps, I could live vicariously through someone else who is. No one as such comes to mind anymore. I had the pleasure of knowing many, but since then they have moved to different places and I’ve lost touch with them.

I’m lonely and bored, that is all there is to it.

I am not happy with stability. I want an adventure. Is that too much to ask?

May be I should just move to another country. This stasis is paralyzing.

Will I just end up being lonely forever?

I am just going off on random tangents now. There we go. That’s all for today.