Some things I have never discussed aloud

In the midst of drifting between wanting a relationship and being single, I have avoided admittimg certain things to myself. I kept it all to myself as I was growing up, and it set me apart from girls my age.

Apparently little girls dream of their big day, about some prince charming who will wisk them away. Not I…I fantasized about being a nun.

It’s important to say that I never harboured much spiritual beliefs in me. I was attracted to the lifestyle of nuns and monks, living often in close quarters, but devoted to something else, and spending much time alone. I romanticized the notion, of living in harmony with the world while being alone when you go to sleep. There is a sense of community nonetheless.

I don’t know why this sort of lifestyle is often tabooed to an extent in our society. Why can’t I lead the same sort of life outside a convent and not be considered some sort of a freak?

My closeted monastic desires come to life whenever I feel I am getting to wrapped up in human drama. Part of me that stands away from relationships is the part that believes being with one person will take away my solemn harmony with the world.

I had kept this part to my self for a very long time, thinking people will think I am some sort of whacko. I definitely haven’t been particularly chaste, or poor in spirit in my short life, but I seek purity on a level that most people find impractical for day to day life. I can’t be with anyone who can’t share the vision of sharing my heart and mind figuratively with the whole world, and who discriminates against other human beings and animals to fend for oneself and his chosen family. To an extent I hate the concept of a family, because it seems fake on many levels, quite very limiting. When I got my around the head the personal need for sexual activity, the idea of Free Love really appealed to me.

I know I’m pretty messed up.

I live with these fucked up dichotomies. On one hand I’d like a relationship, but I don’t like how it takes me away from the entire world. I would eventually like my own family, but I don’t like the thought of being Machiavellian to save myself and my family. I don’t like the idea of not caring about anything outside of myself, but I continue to keep telling myself and others to take responsibility for their own happiness, and that I can’t do anything about myself. I am distraught between giving myself totally to one person, and turning my back on the whole world.

Till this Girl who got bored was about 15 or 16, her idea of a life consisted of moving from one place to place, learning about different things, living with people of random cultures, and not quite having a permanent home. It would be my own kind of monastic living, because apparently you can’t have a relationship like that.

I fucking hate the thought of settling down, cause to me it resembles a lack of further growth.

Every time I have had missed opportunities with guys, I didn’t really beat myself up about it until others told me that’s what I was supposed to do. Part of me always knew to be totally in love, I can’t be anything other than alone.

There was a whole paradigmatic shift once I entered university, where everyone is planning for a future life, a future home with a future spouse of some sort. I found the notion foreign and unsettling.

I guess I was peer pressured into wanting a relationship.

This summer, while bonding with existing friends, I continue to live on in my head.

All this time, when I was talking about how it’s awesome being alone and doing things, I just was channeling this part of me in other ways.

I don’t know what I’m gonna end up being in the future, but nothing really scares me anymore you know?

I just couldn’t care less. I’m happy to be breathing this air with the rest of planet.

Changes!

Nah, forget it. I haven’t found someone.

But I am moving out of crappy university residence in May to live with a bunch of strangers in a Victorian house nearby. This wasn’t a big deal for me. I am always up for cheap rent and strange people (which will most likely include males). And yet I wonder why such a stranger-friendly person like me is still single. Ah well.

I am busy as fuck with school. But I am paving my road for greater independence. It’s an exciting and busy time. I had promised myself I would emerge as a new person in the spring, and here I am.

Now all I need to do is find a job, or I’ll fucking starve.

The current dating diaspora

Many of you would be surprised to hear this, but the large majority of my friends, whether male or female, have never had boyfriends/girlfriends.

My friends have mostly been overachievers in whatever field they belong in, and pretty much nobody dates, or thinks about such things much.

It is not until I reached university that I actually felt the need to really date, because a larger concentration of people had been in relationships and for once I felt below average, but really, the average person in my program of study or among any of the diverse range of people I hang out with, have ever had a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

Perhaps we are going to be a bunch of really late bloomers in the relationship field?

I feel like a freak that I have actually jumped on to the online dating bandwagon. The guy I mentioned a couple of posts ago, is still talking to me. I like the conversations we have, and he said he enjoys them himself as well. I once asked him honestly where this was going and he said he just wanted to take things slow as he is a busy person and had once made a mistake by rushing into the online dating thing too quickly and it didn’t work out. I respect this totally. While I am not completely swept off the floor by him, it could work. I will give it more time and patience, just because I am really nice like that. lol

One thing that bothers me though, is the guy is taking a break from university or rather has put his studies on hold while he and his friend try to start up their business. I mean that is fine and dandy, I don’t mean to be an elitist bitch, but it’s just hard for me to imagine myself with someone who is less of an intellectual than I am. While the guy isn’t hopeless at all, initially he came of as the type of person that doesn’t care about matters of the mind. Yet, at times, he continues to surprise me, with his interest in obscure fantasy novels, Discovery channel and video games. There is however another unsettling component to him. He apparently doesn’t really have a group of friends, rather knows people individually. He thinks it’s the best way to interact with people. While I agree, part of me is afraid that he is one of those social outcasts that plays online multiplayer games and does not actually get out to enjoy life. But I probably should not make such judgements but I had to put down my concerns anyway, in case some of you notice any red flags go up.

Why am I single?

I haven’t addressed this question, because I haven’t found a real reason for it. But here it goes.

In the course of the last year, I had subconsciously taken on the effort to build myself into what I actually wanted to be. The first goal was to become financially independent from my parents, which I did very successfully and I am glad to say I am completely on my own now.

In terms of appearance, I was lucky enough to have a naturally athletic body, and despite eating a slice of pizza everyday for lunch in my entire first year of university, there had been no change in my weight. Before university I dressed mostly as what is generically called the “skater” or the “rocker” style. I had the messy hair thing going and the whole shebang. Yeah, it might be weird to imagine a brown girl pulling that off, but it was not a conscious choice with which I woke up one day and decided “Oh I am going to dress like a skater from now on”. It’s just how I am. I still have the messy hair and most components of the style however occasionally I like to freak my friends out by wearing a nice dress shirt or do a crossover between feminine and tomboy styles by wearing plaid shirts that show a little cleavage. In formal occasions, I have always been archetypally feminine, but it’s weird for most of my peers who know me as the tomboy rocker chick. In prom, a good friend told me “You look like a cleaned up Courtney Love”. It’s one of those weirdly delightful compliments I have ever received.

In terms of my personality, not much has changed since high school. I am still the outgoing quirky girl I have always been. I usually have lot to talk about to anyone, and can socialize easily. I have been told my peers that I have this dynamic sexiness that could be understood by those who deserve to, and that often my universal sex appeal is hidden behind all that quirk. I am not really sure what that means, but I think it’s all good. I feel sexy everyday without much effort and I carry myself with calm confidence everywhere I go.

So what’s wrong with me?

I am a socially adept academically gifted quirky and apparently attractive chick in her late teens who is open-minded and adaptive, even down for the geeks, cause I am a geek myself. Why am I still single?

Actually, looking at everyone around me, it’s not just me. I attend one of the most prestigious programs in the country and I surrounded by many well-rounded attractive females who have never been in a relationship. I know two cheerleaders who have the beauty and the brains and they too have never had boyfriends. Most of my friends have never dated, and they all boast the same caliber in terms of looks and personality. We seem prepared and able to function in relationships. So why aren’t we in one?

I don’t know the sociological/anthropological reasons for our shared predicament, except for the hypothesis that whatever guy we deserve is probably of higher caliber than anyone we know at the moment. I have always questioned the theory about the right guy coming along when the time is right, since the time is right for all of us, and no guy, let alone Mr Right seems visible in the horizon. Thus some thoughts on really what’s up with this eternal singlehood business that is logical will be much appreciated.

Some thoughts on evolution

I am going to firstly warn whoever that is reading this, that this post will be messy, as in really disorganized. I am anal about organizing my arguments in written communication, but I fear that that’s not going to happen today. So here it goes.

Often times, I find myself looking at the world around me as Darwin did when he first stepped off of HMS Beagle into the new world. The theory of evolution has always fascinated me, and sometimes I like to apply it to social situations to understand some implications.

One of the biggest clichés used in the world of evolution is the phrase “Survival of the fittest”. I feel this is very much of a generalization, or rather that the word “fit” needs to be defined better for a clearer understanding of the concept.

Let’s consider some concepts in the survival of a species. We know that in species that propagate through sexual reproduction, each organism is unique (unless it has an identical twin/triplet etc). This is ensured by the combination of the genetic material of the parent organisms in a unique manner. When it comes to mate selection, each individual organism try to find certain desirable qualities in the mate that would ensure their genes to be passed on to the next generation. In humans, this process is very, very complex indeed, because so many different things come into play. Depending on cultures, environments and mindsets, the desirable qualities in a mate may differ significantly, but generally we look for signs of health and wellness in our mates. In the human world though, one does not necessarily need a mate any longer to ensure that their genes are passed on to the next generation. I mean, you can donate eggs/semen or receive such donations to have a child. Sure, that technology might not be affordable or accessible to everyone, but in theory it exists.

When I think about evolution and such, I often try to see where I fit in the grand scheme of things, and I am usually very happy with where I am. Let’s see, I am taller than both of my parents, I have an IQ of 134, I am not much of an athlete but I have a naturally athletic build and symmetrical features, I can speak 4 languages, am good at both traditionally masculine and feminine skills (I can cook and clean but also very proficient with power tools ). However, there is another part of me, that says I am in fact quite low in the evolutionary scale. If in-vitro fertilization technology did not exist, I would not be here today. I mean, I am no designer baby, but thinking about it, I am not “natural”. Don’t get the idea that I am being all self-deprecating, because when I think I think very objectively and in an emotionally detached way. It’s just interesting to consider, how much of a paradox I am.

Despite that interesting list of evolutionary awesomeness that I just claimed in the last paragraph, I find myself still single. There is nothing sad about it, but it’s just a thing that I find intellectual stimulating. It’s a little weird that I see my own self as a subject of study, but how much of an anomaly I am continues to fascinate me. And I think “Hey, it’s not my fault I am single, nobody is good enough for me”. Haha.

I should finish my ice-cream now, it’s melting.

My apparent lack of empathy and its role in my singlehood

It has been recently pointed out to me that I am apparently somewhat of an emotional cripple. While I somewhat agree with this, I feel that many people don’t understand why I come off as coldly logical most of the time.

I have mentioned before that I sometimes have a hard time relating to most girls. I do see where they are coming from, but I fail to appreciate their reasoning, simply because I feel it is no reasoning at all. When I try to understand my emotions rationally, I am accused of compartmentalizing them and such. Even my parents think I am cold and distant emotionally.

I guess I have quite a different approach to emotional information than most people do, and I also think that because of my gender, people have a certain bias against me. It’s mostly okay for men to be the “strong silent” type, but that archetype does not exist for women. Women are the ones that build homes and communities and express themselves well. While I’d like to think I do the latter pretty darn well, there are many who think that my views are detached and needs more of a human touch. I have been a recreational and competitor debater most of my teenage years, and for my own clarity, I feel it is necessary to look at issues as they are before attaching my biases to them. And here are women accused of being irrational and emotional (I’d have to agree to a large extent), but when people see one that relies so purely on logic, they apparently are unable to accept it.

I have always been a sucker for logic, and knowledge in general. Clichéd emotional romantic comedies don’t do anything for me. I’m a huge fan of dark comedies, and psychedelic movies. That is not to say though that I readily dismiss romance. When it appeals to me, I can be indeed quite overwhelmed. There is this one stanza in Bob Dylan’s song “Tombstone blues”. If anyone is to ever say it/sing it to me, I would melt immediately.

Now I wish I could write you a melody so plain
That could hold you dear lady from going insane
That could ease you and cool you and cease the pain
Of your useless and pointless knowledge

What I absolutely adore about this, is the fact that it applies to me so well. It’s not your usual declaration of romance, it doesn’t even have to be. I like that ambiguous quality about it.

All of this talk of how I need to be more expressive and stuff leads me to think about my rejoiced singlehood. It’s true, I do love being single. There are those times however, when I wish I had someone special with me, someone who understands what I’m talking about and can appreciate my perspective. After much thinking, I came to understand why I couldn’t bother to ask out blonde boy. I enjoyed the make-out session, but I don’t think it would have gone anywhere. I am definitely not the one for just casual dating without the intent for relationships. I had a summer fling once, and that should have been enough to tell me that I shouldn’t just randomly make out with people. Anyway, I learned my lesson. I need a relationship, but I am still not yearning for one. I think I am quite immature still. Most of my friends have been single all their lives and there is definitely no peer pressure to get into a relationship. But like I have mentioned before, I think I am losing the ability to truly care and love someone. It’s a sad thought. I just want to be proven wrong in this regard. Perhaps that’s why a part of me wants a real relationship and no more of this fling-like things, so I could learn again how to love and care. I’m such a fool. Anywho.

When I think about why I haven’t had real relationships, I feel it might be because of my so-called lack of empathy. Men like to be the logical ones while women are like the shoulders to cry on, the emotional support etc. I definitely don’t like being the shoulder to cry on, so I guess I have to look for a guy who does. Genuinely sensitive guys are rare I think. But I don’t want those guys from chick flicks with a tough exterior and sweet gentle heart. I like men that have a good balance of intellect and affection, not overly sensitive or stoic. That is even rarer than sensitive guys. To be honest though, sensitive guys are such mushy turn offs. It might be obvious by now but I have to say it anyway. I fucking hate chick flicks. That again is one thing that could be interpreted both as my inability to relate to the emotional content of chick flicks or just not being able to put up with the cinematographic clichés contained in them.

On a different note, when I go back and read my older posts, it’s weird because I seem so full of contradictions. I am obviously affected by the mood I am in but I didn’t realize that could sometimes be so apparent in my writing.