On courtship and boredom

In returning to the original intent of this blog, that is, to explore the vast abyss of boredom, I present to you Arthur Schopenhauer’s views on courtship. I was initially introduced to this view from some philosophy text I borrrowed from a friend, but wikipedia summarizes it well:

The process of courtship also contributed to Arthur Schopenhauer‘s pessimism, despite his own romantic success,^[14] and he argued that to be rid of the challenge of courtship would drive people to suicide with boredom. Schopenhauer theorized that individuals seek partners who share certain interests and tastes, while at the same time looking for a “complement” or completing of themselves in a partner, as in the cliché that “opposites attract.”

Indeed, for the likes of me, who despite having the traditional view of the ideal family, with a mother and father (Of course, heteronormative conditioning is at work here) and children, shoved down their throats as long as they can remember, whose “liberal” parents insist on them finding someone and settling down, I am nearly ashamed to say, courtship, now that I am actually partaking in it, seems to be nothing more than a damn game now.

Indeed, despite my self-pity about my single status and all the reflections in this blog with regards to how I am frigid and everything, I realized, is not really at all about finding someone. It’s about a challenge. Despite all my “handicaps”, I wanted to prove to myself that I really am dateable, but that does not mean, I will ever stick to someone. However, I am at that point now, I feel bad for being the type that is dating for the experience of it all. Granted it’s novel of me, but I am not sure what part of me is in it for the experience and what part wants the person. I am sure a lot of women go through this dilemma, but it’s a bit more complicated for me, and I will explain why.

When I was growing up in India as a child, I knew I was different in many ways. Yes, this isn’t too long ago, and some of these ideas I am about to describe still are persistent in both cities and rural areas of India. I am a dark-skinned Indian, pretty much the darkest girl in my family. In addition, I am the least feminine, by choice. I have had many people overtly go up to my parents and express sympathy for having not just a daughter, but in addition, a very dark-skinned one, suggesting I was at a disadvantage. When I was in grade 5, my friends from India openly told me, if I wasn’t as dark, I’d definitely be a whore, because nobody who hangs out with boys so much (I was, and still am a tomboy), and still does not get a reputation like that. I was told, I was unattractive, on account of my skin colour, very, very openly.

I dressed like a tomboy, still do. It made me feel comfortable and very much myself, yet I sometimes got the idea that I was somehow less than the average woman. It was a lingering insecurity, but it also had to do with my own unacceptance of my sometimes feminine nature and deep fear of rejection based on the whole comprehensive person that I am.

Despite this, I have had high self-esteem all my life. Never doubted myself in any other arena, was never afraid of men, I was just afraid of a romantic challenge.

So when I got bored enough one day, I thought I needed to be challenged, I decided to take on the challenge of invoking the interest of men.

I think it started sometime last year. After my year long depressive academic phase, I was looking for something different.

I changed my wardrobe around a bit. I am a pretty fit person, and while keeping with my tomboy sentiments, I started dressing more like a hipster, a subculture, I have to admit I apparently fit into quite well.

In the midst of it all, I feel I lost the initial intent of finding a community, a person that is kindred, and now I took on everyone I thought was worth my time as a challenge, and I didn’t even follow through with it till the end. As soon as they were receptive I backed away, because that is not the kind of person I am.

Having realized that, I do plan to spend more quality time with myself. I feel stupid already for having to be the kind of person who looks at flirting with others as challenges, but having said that, it is a social skill I was uncomfortable with, despite my otherwise affable nature. Still though, in my opinion, the stereotypical forms of flirting are the stupidest thing I have seen. I shall have none of that.

So, what’s next on the plate for this tomboy-turned-hipster chick? I am sort of seeing someone, and I have a policy about not talking about it till I know more for sure. So till then, I hope to keep my rigid integrity despite whether or not I like this person enough to start a relationship with them. So far, this has been the most gentlemanly of the types I have ever gone out with (which doesn’t say much, since I don’t date much at all), as well as the most different from me in terms of education and what they do with their life.  Again, I won’t say much because having to put these words down confuses my own feelings.

In addition, I am gonna be on a break from this blog for the next 4 months due to travelling purposes. I may or may not post new things, but we’ll see how that goes.

Interaction with fellow females, and my ideals of femininity

As a child, I didn’t have clear ideas about how exactly boys and girls are different (other than how they are different physically). I refused to accept the notion that there are different types of activities that males and females are somewhat expected to perform, and I did whatever I pleased regardless of gender norms. This might not sound like much of a big deal, but it has affected the way I think and act to this day.

I was kind of a tomboy. I didn’t like wearing dresses, or any sort of feminine clothing, I hated the colour pink (I still do) and was more interested in running around outdoors climbing trees and getting dirty than playing with Barbie dolls. I did enjoy some games of a domestic nature, but only in rare occasions.

As I was growing up, it was difficult for me to relate to girls. It still is. I am used to having a lot of guy friends and just being “one of the guys”. In the last few years, I have finally gained my share of female friends. I have one particular female friend, let’s call her Lucy, who is very similar to me in the ways of being a tomboy, and certain philosophies in life, but quite different in our ideals of femininity, and doesn’t approve of my adventurous nature (which often calls for breaking a few rules).

For whatever reason, females of all sorts like to confide things in me. I pride myself in being an okay listener and keeper of secrets, but sometimes I find myself extremely frustrated with fellow females, and their overly emotional way of thinking. Everyone knows that mentally men and women are wired a bit differently. I try my best to be empathetic to feminine concerns which I don’t share, and even try to see the reason in something I deem to be completely illogical, but most of the time, I find that my thinking is completely different from the usual female thinking.

My sense of feminine style is very fluid in nature. Some days, I enjoy being a complete slob. On other days, I like to wear nice dress shirts or things with a little cleavage. Whenever I try to be fluid with my style though, people are a little freaked out. It amuses me much because most are not able to understand the diversity in my nature. Lucy, in particular, objects whenever I dress feminine. It saddens me sometimes because she is such a close friend but most of the time, it’s just really fun teasing her.

Most young girls have “idols” so to speak, who they like to emulate in certain ways. I grew up without one, unless you count Marie Curie or Anne Frank as such. But in terms of style, I never followed anyone. In the last few years however, I have come to appreciate the ideals of femininity of other women, who are not necessarily like me at all. These include Grace Slick (from Jefferson Airplane), Patti Smith and Bjork. I have been a fan of what is often termed as “counterculture” in the ’60s and the ’70s. I really wish I was around in that time. I am a huge fan of original punk and in a lot of ways, the philosophy affects the way I live and think. Grace Slick is such a pretty and smart woman and is completely feminine. I can relate to Patti Smith well because of that part of me that thrives on the fluidity of gender roles. Bjork, is just delightfully novel and weird, and I really like her music.

My ideals of femininity however, are greater than the sum of these people and what they represent. I am still growing up and I am not sure I have reached the goal in terms of being the person I ultimately want to be. But it helps looking at other women, and seeing what they are like. I have come a long way from being just a tomboy, but I don’t plan on being completely effeminate ever. I’d hate to turn into one of those female emotional wrecks who can’t think straight that come to me for advise (What do I look like? A great wise old woman?).

That’s all for today. My thoughts have been weirdly muddled up while blogging so once again excuse the lack of cohesion.

I shall leave you with some stuff that is currently inspiring my femininity: