Sexual Suicide…

I was listening to this song that has been on my iPod for a while now. It’s “The Lottery” by Emily Haines and the Soft Skeleton. It goes like this:

http://spin.com/audio/download/24115/eh_thelottery_hi.mp3

I only wanted what everyone wanted
since bras started burning up ribs in the 60′s.
Favors are flying, faces are falling,
all I desire is to never be waiting.
If that’s a crime let’s commit it.
There’s a new crime, sexual suicide.
When our underwire radio tears into their international airwaves
Boredom will Die! Ears will Bleed!
All they desire is to give and to please.
There’s a new crime, sexual suicide.
There’s a new crime, let’s commit it
while we’re waiting on the next day, to begin it in the best way.
There’s a new crime, sexual suicide.
There’s a new crime, let’s commit it.
Don’t worry, Heather, about forever.
Don’t worry about me.

It’s a lottery baby, everybody roll the dice
It’s a lottery baby, everybody roll the dice

Will we always be like little kids
running group to group asking who loves me?
Don’t know who loves me!
It’s pathetic. It’s impossible.
Like girls in stilettos,
like girls in stilettos,
like girls in stilettos trying to run.

This really resonated with me. I know that part of me wants the proverbial romance of my life, but another part of me is adamant of another person never being able to have me.

Sounds kind of sexually suicidal to me.

I mean, if you consciously think that “No one can have me”, aren’t you propagating an attitude that keeps you from getting laid?

And even if you do get laid, wouldn’t you go around still feeling unfulfilled, because you are worth nothing more than a hookup?

I know the logical structure of all that makes no sense. One thing does not automatically imply the other. But given the assumption “No one can have me” as sort of an emotional and individualistic assertion, you seem to limit yourself to either never getting laid and thus keeping yourself emotionally locked away or sleeping around a lot AND keeping yourself emotionally locked away except it bugs you because you want to be loved. I’m really leaning towards the latter.

So I met someone. Very very recently. It’s moving a bit too fast. I am kind of hiding away from him as we speak. I am gonna see how this whole thing turns out before I talk about it. Basic details: He is a younger guy. Very outgoing. I initiated it because…I don’t really know why. I feel like we get along awesomely, but both of us seem…emotionally unavailable to each other (granted it’s soooooooo early…I can’t even tell you how early this is. Quite embarrassing).  He is more sexually experienced than me (i.e. not a virgin). What makes us get along so interestingly is the same sense of humour and a hint of unresolved sexual tension. The end. I really don’t want to think about it right now. It makes me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable and a lot of other things that I am not so sure about. But it’s early. I’m gonna suck it up and endure through what I can. Then maybe I’ll spare more details.

I will leave you today with something that really resonates with me emotionally…something that showed me I am driven by more than my hormones.

Random molestation (but it’s not molestation if there is consent)

Despite being such a quirkyalone sometimes, I can be quite a social whore. Some people know me as being extremely outgoing, and rash with certain things. This is simultaneously a source of joy and embarrassment for me.

The other day I met up with one of my posses to hang out in the streets. One of them brought along this younger blond gentleman who just graduated from high school. I most definitely prefer guys with darker hair (i.e. chocolate brown) but it’s not like I am close-minded to everyone else. It rained quite heavily and we ended up heading over to a friend’s house.

The naivete of the blond kid amused me, so much so indeed. While we were still out, he had asked me to pick out CDs from him from this quaint little store, and he went with my obscure tastes 100%. But in a way I guess I admired his open-mindedness.

When we arrived at the friend’s house, we started to talk about philosophy. Being in a science program rarely gives me the opportunity for such mental delight, so I was quite intrigued. It was like intellectual foreplay.

Thanks to my touchy female friend, our intellectual conversation ceased and the three of us started randomly touching each other, not in a remotely sexual way though. It was weird. And quite funny. I randomly happened to say “My back hurts” and I got possibly one of the greatest back rubs in my life from the gentleman, which was weird and funny and quite amazingly delightful. Eventually, my touchy female friend left the room to go downstairs to get the pizza, I shortly made out with the blond guy. It was interesting because his lack of experience was obvious, but he was passionate. It lasted about a minute or two, then there was a sense of relief due to the fact that I was glad to get that unresolved sexual tension out of the way.

Later we returned to our normal ways and ate pizza. I pretended that nothing had happened with an indecent amount of ease. Although later that night, I came back home feeling guilty. It’s been a couple of days, and I’ve been feeling guilty still. If this feeling persists, I might have to ask that young douche out. I meant that in the most affectionate way possible.